Did you hear about the successful cows?
They were out standing in their field
My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she’ll give up her anal virginity tonight!
Please don't. She's out of town on business for the next week.
You can’t run through a campground
You can only ran, because it’s past tents
This season of Earth is not realistic
So many plot holes. Like, where did the murder hornets go? Why introduce them if they're not important to the story? I'm feeling Lost.
[Warning]: 18+
19.
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
Please never ask me if something is electric
Because I only have one response and it's "boogie oogie oogie".
This joke only makes sense if you follow rugby:
A Scotsman walked into a bar. There'd normally be an Englishman, Irishman, and a Welshman as well, but they're still in Japan for the Rugby World Cup.
Singing in the shower is great until you get shampoo in your mouth
Then it's a soap opera
Me: Did you hear about the actor who got stabbed?
You: Who? Me: Reese You: Witherspoon? Me : Nah, with a knife
I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants,
You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.
What bird never knows the lyrics to a song?
A hummingbird!
![A [wholesome] boomer xmas comic](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/4dn9yfcdau341-400x548.jpg)
Pilot left his microphone on.
After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot ' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'. An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone. When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.
A French man, a British man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.
They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed. The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests a bottle of tequila and a pillow strapped to his back. They let him drink the tequila and strap the pillow to his back and then commence the lashes. After 5 lashes the pillow breaks and they keep lashing him. After the 20 lashes he's bawling and his back is horribly scarred. They haul him away to be sent back to Spain. The French man is next and he requests two pillows (one per request). After 10 lashes the pillows break and they continue with the next 10. By the end he's also horribly scarred and bawling, but not as bad as the Spanish guy. While they are hauling off the French guy the judge turns to the Brit and says "Well it's your turn now. What do you request?" The British man responds "First I want the original punishment of 100 lashes. I don't believe I should get off easy." The Judge yells "You're crazy! why would you do that?" The Brit responds "Because my next request is to have the French man strapped to my back."
Lying on his deathbed is a Russian Communist
His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me." "Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri. The Communist then turns to another friend. "Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me." "No hard feelings, my friend. You are forgiven," says Petya. "Misha, I must confess to you that I had you sent to the penal battalion in 1942. I am terribly sorry about that day." "Please my friend, we all forgive you. You may go in peace," says Misha. "Thank you, comrades, for being with me throughout all these years," says the old communist with a tear streaming down his face. "I don't know where I'd be if it wasn't for you. I never knew you loved me that much despite me being a stool pigeon." His friends are visibly touched by his words. Finally, he gathers his last strength and says. "And in honor of our deep friendship I want you to fulfill my last wish. See that cactus plant on the windowsill? As soon as I die, I want you to take it and shove it up my ass." Just as his friends were about to say something the old communist took his last breath. So Petya rushes to the window, takes the cactus plant off and together they shove it up their dead friend's butt. Suddenly, the friends hear a loud banging on the door followed by a gruff voice shouting: "Open up, it's the police. We've received information that an old Bolshevik has been tortured to death."
Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom?
Dam right they are.
I met a girl with 12 nipples..
Sounds funny, dozen tit?
Guys my calendar is really sick..
I think its days are numbered.
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”
Three little old ladies were on a bench when a naked man walked by
The first little old lady… Had a stroke The second little old lady… Had a stroke But the third little old lady's arms weren't long enough to reach.
Do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge my phone in my honda?
Best Buy employee: a cord? Me: no it's a Civic.
3.14% of sailors are Pi rates
No text found
A woman went to a dance and hit it off with a guy there.
They both liked what they saw and decided to go back to his place. One thing led to another, and soon they gravitated to the bedroom and proceeded to undress. The first thing he removed was his socks and shoes. She noted his feet were withered and crooked. When asked, he responded that when he was six, he contracted toe-lio. She looked at him confused. “You mean polio?” He shook his head and replied, “No…toe-lio.” He then took off his pants. His knees were knobby and gnarled. She asked him what was up with that. He told her, “When I was eight, I got the kneesles.” “You mean measles?” “No…kneesles.” Then he removed his underwear. She sighed… “Let me guess. When you were ten, you got small cocks?”
Old MacDonald is up to something. He types out his song “E-I-E-I-o.”
I just can't trust a guy with shift-E-I's.
r/NASAmemes is a new subreddit for space and NASA memes!
r/NASAmemesFeel free to join if you’re interested!
Imagine what would happen if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion!
What does a house wear?
Address
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Let's go ride bikes!
What do Lawyers wear?
Law Suits
Two men are playing golf.
Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation. His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feeling man." The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
I’m worried my young daughter might have a future in crime. Today, she found a tree branch on the ground…
She immediately raised it above her head and said, “This is a stick up!” (Credit to my 2.5 year old- inspired by true events)
Milk is the fastest liquid on earth
It's pasteurized before you even see it!
I wrote a joke about minorities.
It's different to the other jokes.
Corduroy pillowcases are back in the news…
They’re making all the headlines…