Did you hear about the time I dreamt I was a muffler?
I woke up exhausted.
Yesterday I saw a half-dog, half-cat…
What’s up with dat!?
During WW2, three generals were arguing who had the bravest soldiers.
The British general called one of his men over. “Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.” “Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running. He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, took aim and fired, destroying the tank all the while under heavy fire from the enemy trenches. “See, British soldiers are the bravest.” “That’s nothing” said the Russian General “Comrade! See that enemy soldier manning that machine gun there? Run across the mines into the trenches and kill him with a knife.” “Da, Comrade General!” The russian soldier bravely charges across the minefield under heavy fire, jumped into the trenches fought his way through many enemy soldier then being shot many times from the machine gun nest before reaching that soldier and slicing his throat after a bloody brawl. “Nobody more brave than Russian soldier.” The American general, unimpressed said “Let me show you all what real courage is.” He calls one of his men over. “Private! See that enemy command post over there? I want you to run naked across the minefields, fight your way through the trenches, go to the command post and kill the commanding officer bare handed!” Without hesitation, the American soldier flips him the bird and says “Go fuck yourself, General.” “See! Now that takes some real balls!”
TIL I learned to Never buy shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day
How do you know a redditor has left a hotel?
Username checks out
I lost my notes I was writing for my book called “1,001 ways to cure an itch.”
Guess I'll have to start from scratch.
I just had to breakup with my cross eyed girlfriend
She was seeing other people
Trump shouldn’t have said “shithole countries”
The correct term is turd-world countries.
What’s the difference between a black dad and a boomerang?
One is an inanimate object you fucking racist.
The Soviet army is marching in Finland
They hear a voice from the other side of a hill, "one Finnish soldier is better than ten Soviet soldiers." The Soviet general sends ten soldiers. There is some gunfire then everything is quiet again. The voice then says, "one Finnish soldier is better than one hundred Soviet soldiers." The Soviet general sends one hundred Soviet soldiers. There is more gunfire and then silence. The voice speaks up again and says, "one Finnish soldier is better than one thousand Soviet soldiers." The Soviet general then sends one thousand Soviet soldiers. There is a lot of gunfire and then silence. After awhile a Soviet soldier crawls over the hill and say to the general, "do not send more troops, it's a trap, there are two Finnish soldiers."
How to nail a job interview
At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.” "That's correct", said the boss. Another glass… “This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.” "Correct." A third glass… "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly. The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."
I tried to get some storm insurance for my campsite, but I was denied.
They said that if my tents get blown away, I won’t be covered.
I found someone else’s ID on the floor last week.
Oh well, new year, new me!
Wrong impressions
You know when you get the wrong impression of people? I thought this: “Man, he petty.” But he just did my nails.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
Harry Potter went to his local gym. How did he get to the dumbbell room?
He went through the dumbbell door.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One weighs upwards of 1800 pounds, the other is a little lighter.
So I killed 5 zombies and a vampire…
… I'm just trying to figure out why they were all carrying bags of candy 🤔
When life gives you melons
You may be dyslexic
My friend Jay had twin daughters, and decided to name them after him.
They are named Kay and Elle.
How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A buccaneer.
I sprayed some deodorant in my mouth.
Now, when I talk, I have this weird Axe-scent
My girlfriend wanted to have a conversation with me about me being too childish, but it never happened…
She didn't know the password to my treehouse!
What do you call a headless duck?
A duck that didnt duck
What did the police say to his bellybutton
Your under a vest
I Can swear, I’ve seen someone who did the last one, and complained it didn’t work!😂
https://ift.tt/2NaXfvM
A husband died
A husband died. A few years later, his wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes. "Darling, oh how I've missed you!" The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him and says, "Woah there woman. The contract was until death."
A manager announces to his staff, “I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”
A voice in the background says, “I’m offering 200!”
Canada could have had it all: American industry, British Culture, and French Cuisine.
Instead, they got: French Industry, American culture, and British cuisine
Petition to lock this sub once a week
Because there's no post on Sunday
To anyone suffering from paranoia…
You are not alone
I bought a wooden whistle
But it wooden whistle. So I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle.
I hope death is a woman….
Then I know it will never come for me
My friend recently came out and said he was gay.
But I didn’t believe him because he said it with a straight face
If you pronounce “fuck off” backwards.
you say it in a British accent.