Did you hear about the two mummies who farted at the same time?
They had a toot in common.
Kid loved it and I’m proud of the original content
A man goes to the Super Bowl but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it.
The guy sitting next to him says, “Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been together since we got married in 1967.” “I’m sorry to hear that,” says the first man. “Couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?” “Nope,” replies the second guy. “Everyone’s at the funeral.”
Not everyone gets it
you're built upside down.
She couldn’t see that well.
I tried to cheer my buddy up by inviting him to a poker night after cows broke into his marijuana store and ate all his product, but he couldn’t come.
He said that the steaks were too high.
Italian man: Why? Judge: It's a fine. Italian man: (quietly) It's a not…
No text found
Not all that useful but fun to push down the stairs.
A receding hair line.
I called the doctor “My wife is going into labor! What should I do?” “Is this her first child?” he asked.
"No, this is her husband."
It's okay I can Samurais it for you.
But it's what's inside that counts
He’s a small arms dealer.
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
Just in case there’s a salad dressing
It’s a fizzician! I’ll see myself out
The driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." Stunned, the woman sits down and complains to the man next to her. "I can't believe that rude driver! He was so insulting to me! I have half I mind to tell him off!" The man replies, "You should. Let him have it. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you."
It took him a couple of bytes
Their number one answer was, “HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET IN HERE?!”
I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived
Let that sink in for a minute
I had some big shoes to fill.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to a lawyer, and asked him whether I can sue the airline.
He said, “You don’t have much of a case.”
I said “Cause, they came out the closet”
Bought a bing. Bought a boom.
Then I realized, he was one of those plane clothes cops…
The assistant replied “ammonia cleaner” I said “I’m sorry, I thought you worked here”
Now I’ve just got beer…