Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?

Because they have 2 Shifts…

used his stimulus check to buy baby chickens. He got his money for nothing and his chicks for free.

Her: What would you do when we see it? Me: Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.

I know he means well.

A unicorn

The big ones at the end of the wing. These feathers are called pinion feathers. A crow has sixteen. So, the difference between a crow and a raven is only a matter of a pinion.

Terrible way to go, but I'm just glad it was instant

They vote.

I said, "Don't be stupid, we're half way down the road now. Just keep running!!'

They don’t have the guts.

He's disqualified

A guy boards an airplane to Detroit and makes his way to his seat where he notices the guy sitting next to him looks very worried. He asks him if he's afraid of flying. "No, my company is moving me to Detroit. I've heard terrible things about Detroit; I'm worried about my family." The guy tells him, "Look, it's not at all like the rumors. I've lived in Detroit my whole life. Find a nice home in a nice suburb, get your kids into a decent school, the community is great… you'll be fine, trust me." The other guy seems to perk up and says, "Hey, thanks man, you've really calmed my nerves, I feel better. So what do you do in Detroit?" "I'm a tail-gunner on a Bud Light truck…"

She ordered a Black coffee, I quickly apologized to the barista and said, "I'm sorry she meant to say an African Americano."

Shortly after take off, he announces "This is your Captain speaking, Thank you for flying with us this morning. The weather is… " Then suddenly he starts screaming his head off, "Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! It's burning,…It's burning.. This is going to hurt… It's burning." A ghostly silence reigned in cabin. After a couple of minutes, he gets back on the microphone, talking to the passengers, "I sincerely apologize for the incident but I just dropped a very hot cup of coffee on my lap… you should see my pants." One passenger replies, "Why don't you come here and see our PANTS!"

It had an irrational fear of ping pong balls.

I thought, “I don’t have time for this shit.”

Father: "Well son, before sex it's a delicate little thing. Almost like a tulip that hasn't fully bloomed". Boy: "What about after sex?" Father: "You ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"

urine trouble.

Everyone’s looking down, nobody’s making eye contact, and my penis is exposed.

He wrote back "I can't complain"

Dad: "that would be just like you".

No text found

The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?" The man replies, " like a glove."

They don’t know where home is.

He’s standing right behind you.

Little Bobby came home from school and proudly announced to his Mom, " I had sex with a teacher today." Mom's infuriated. "Boy, get your ass up to your bedroom. Your father can take care of this when he gets home." When Dad arrives, Mom explains the situation, and Dad, feigning anger, rushes upstairs slamming doors. Charging into his son's room, he exclaims loudly, "Boy, what the hell have you been up to?!?" Then in a whisper, "Hell yeah, son. High five. Got any questions for the old man?" To which, little Bobby replied, " Yeah, Dad. How much longer is my butt gonna hurt?"

I'd have $6.30 right now

“Wtf is manslaughter then.”

In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.

A waist of money.

"Will you mirror me?" She was speechless.

Don't worry, he woke up

He sat there sunbathing, for the sake of civility and to protect them from being sunburnt, he had a hat on his private parts. A women came by and smirked “If you were a gentleman you would lift your hat” He replied “If you weren’t so ugly it would lift itself” EDIT: Y’all so sensitive if the genders were reversed you would say the guy is harassing the girl

Plastic Explosives.

They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.' The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness. 'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?' 'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

A little perplexed he stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and then asked, “and tigger?”

Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

Keeps calling it a hippo potty myth

Historically it's rare for a King to leave the throne alive.

Newton replies, "No, you found Newton over a square meter. You've found Pascal!"

Me: Ok, 45 past 60. Boss: You’re fired.

As the storm raged,the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. So he shouted out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" Just one guy stepped forward and said, "Aye, captain,I know how to pray." "Good,"said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets – we're one short."