Did you hear about the Utah National Guard’s new IMI-made .44 Magnum?
It's called the Deseret Eagle.
I didn’t know the local railroad workers were good at singing
But I heard they were recently working on a new track
Did you know that it’s illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
Bindi Irwin got married!
That's a ray of hope!
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What do you call the Italian hood?
The Spaghetto.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video.
He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza delivery guy.
Found this scrolling through my insta. Not screaming boomer but definitely boomer esq humor.
https://ift.tt/2NiAtSj
I went on a date with a girl from an online dating website…
… I was worried she'd be fatter than she looked in her pictures. Turns out he wasn't.
Where are average things made?
The satisfactory.
Just heard someone bragging about their one night stand
Well I've got two night stands and a double bed
Stalin asked Hitler if he wants to hear a joke.
Hitler says "Yes." Stalin then says "Moscow." Hitler replies with "I don't get it?" Stalin laughs and says "And you never will."
Me: Sir, you canāt give me a ticket for speeding. I am planning to run a Marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
āWow!ā I say. āItās climate change!ā
I almost got caught stealing a board game today…
But it was a Risk I was willing to take…
I ran into a girl at a vegetarian restaurant that said she new me
But I've never met herbivore
What does a frog do with a piece of paper?
Rip it! 6 year old son just came up with this. I'm sure he's not the first to think of it, but he came up with it on his own and i got a good chuckle out of it. š
Mom, what’s dark humor?
Mom: Well son, you see that man over there with no arms? Go tell him to clap. Son: But, Mom! I'm blind! Mom: Exactly.
In case you don’t know Yoda’s last name
It is LAYHEEHOO
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: “You must be single.”
The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?" Cashier: "Because you're ugly."
Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVD movies back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
As I expected, my therapist told me that I have a problem verbalizing my emotions.
Canāt say Iām surprised.
“OMG! There’s a wolf!”
"Where?" "No. Just the regular kind."
Why did the sitcom about airplanes never take off?
it had a bad pilot
Not to brag, but I beat the local chess champion in less than 5 moves yesterday.
Finally my high school karate lessons came of some use.
So I decided to start giving beginner bass lessons.
In the first lesson I taught my first student the first 5 notes on the lowest string, and then the next week I taught him the first 5 notes on the next string. But the next week he didn't turn up. The week after that, he showed up and I said to him, "dude where were you last week?" to which he replied "I had a gig"
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
Its a buccaneer
What has four wheels and flies?
A rubbish truck
What does a clock do when it’s hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.
More on this after the break.
3 nuns have dedicated their lives to God since they were 16.
25 years later they started talking about everything in life they missed out on. Never getting a drivers license, to their first drink at 21, or even having sex. So they all decided they would go to their priest and ask if they can have 1 day off from being a nun. As this is a weird request the priest says āYes, only if each one of you do something bad.ā They all agree and off their separate ways. When the first nun comes back the priest asks her about her day. And she tells him all about how amazing it was driving around in a Ferrari. Stumped upon how she was driving a Ferrari he asks the nun how she was able to drive a Ferrari. She responds āYou told me to do something bad. So I robbed a bank and bought a Ferrari.ā In shock the priest told her to go drink some holy water to cleanse herself. And just as he starting to catch his breathe the second nun comes back. And she instantly starts telling him how great her day at the beach was wearing a bikini. And the priest feeling responsible now asks how she got the bikini. She responds āI had to drown a lady to get it.ā The priest baffled by what he just heard again tells her to drink the holy water to cleanse herself of the horrific crime she committed. The last nun walks in and tells the priest she had a great day just walking around the park. And he knew he had to ask. āDid you do anything bad?ā She responds calmly āNo, not really, I just peed in the holy water before I left.ā
I don’t like to brag, but I have a huge sex drive.
It's almost up to 5 TB.
When you excel in life…
People start to spreadsheet about you. . . . . (I'll show myself out).
Congress will never impeach Donald Trump.
Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
I used to have a fear of hurdles
But I got over it.
I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun
I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked, "Babes, Jabba the Hutt is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed, "Fuck you asshole" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"
“Hey son, what are you drinking?”
"Soy milk" "Hola milk, soy padre"
The hospital that my son is staying at got the Avengers to visit him.
Heās also going to see Stan Lee next week!