Did you hear about the Yacht builder that had to work from home?
His sails went through the roof
At least he’s honest about the bug
What do you call a group of unvaccinated children?
To avoid predators…
Debugging is like 😂😅
The all knowing, very wise king fucked up big time
She got fired from the hot dog stand…
… for putting her hair in a bun.
Found this one in the local paper and translated it
So an honest lawyer, a hard working politician and Santa are walking and they find a 100€ note on the ground. Who is going to pick it up? Santa because the first two don't exist.
“I can’t afford to pay taxes that provide better education!”
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid.
He says he can stop anytime.
Do you know what is the worst part about being an egg?
You get laid only once
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward
That’s just how I roll
My protractor broke
I wonder if it can still be used to a certain degree.
I have written a book on Penguins
In hindsight, paper would have been better.
SMBC: Mission to Mars
If you accidentally put salt instead of sugar in your tea…
It just becomes saltea.
Hell of a job!
Why can’t you keep up?
Donno if this is posted here before. Just gonna upload(not mine)
Repost, just a public PSA:
Sumida Aquarium eels are forgetting what humans look like and hiding from workers
Good ol’ magenta…just like grandma used to make it up
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
No text found
Why are Canadians always over qualified for jobs in the US?
Because zero degrees in Canada is the same as 32 in the States.
Oh my god
I just caught my husband asking somebody for dating advice…
He's just not sure that radiocarbon is the most reliable method.
I bought a theremin
But I haven’t touched it in years. I’m sorry to anyone who gets it.
Can a fish get thirsty?
No text found
…but I can guess. Restart it.
When Frontend is Ready before Backend
This made me eyeroll hard
Debt be gone
I entered a blindfolded masturbation competition
I don't know where I came
TALIBAN VS TRUMPISTAN
Finally, a tech company I can trust!
Congratulations, you played yourself
I have OCD so whenever someone says “tho”
I always respond with "ugh"
The mathematics of the universe is truly exquisite
Do big-pharma next
This might be my proudest dad joke so far
My daughter was meeting Daisy Duck at Disney world this morning and Daisy was signing her autograph book. I mentioned to the Disney cast member who was taking the photos that I didn't know that Daisy was left handed. The cast member said "Maybe she's ambidextrous" to which I replied "I think you mean ambiDUCKstrous".
Met an older lady at a bar last night.
She wasn't bad for a 55, we drank and flirted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had a mother and daughter combo. I said,"No. But it's my secret fantasy." We drank a bit more, then she said that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs, "Mom! you still awake?"
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician
And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.
From my dad’s facebook feed
Well that’s pretty dark…
Offline ……. Aaaargh ……. original by u/vahe_rosmart
I hired an expert to exorcise my house, but I can’t afford to pay them.
Now I’m afraid they’ll come back to repossess my house.
I should apologize to my toilet…
I gave it a lot of shit this morning (Long time stalker, heres my first dad joke!)
I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup…
I told her I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete in a tournament yet.
A chemist walks into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.
“What’s wrong with him?” he asks his assistant. “He came in for some cough syrup,” the assistant explains “but I couldn’t find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead”. “What?!” the chemist says, horrified. “You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!” “Of course you can,” the assistant declares. “Look at him – he’s far too scared to cough.”
A meme about units
Somewhere in the Linux kernel
$5 dollars says he won’t
What do you call a Mexican midget?
A paragraph. He’s not quite a full essay
What do seismologists eat for breakfast?
Panquakes and shakin'
What’s the definition of Insanity?
What do gender identities and the twin towers have in common?
… There used to be two of them, and now everyone is REAL SENSITIVE about it
Are you a chiral carbon?
‘Cause I share a unique bond with you!
Do you know why Jesus loves Donuts?
Because theyre not self-centered.
An american farmer visits Germany
In a rural area he comes across a small village bar. He goes in and orders himself a drink, when he notices the man next to him also looks like a farmer. "Are you a farmer?" he asks the man. "Ja, I am a farmer" the man replies. "How big is your farm?" the american enquires. "Well, roughly 20 square miles" the german answers, not knowing where this is going. "Haha, 20 square miles" the american laughs, "Thats cute, do you want to know how big my farm is? When I want to tour my whole farm and get into my car to drive around, it takes me 2 days to come back home" The german looks up from his beer and replies: "Ah yes, I had an american car once aswell"
WARNING!! They said you only have to wear masks and gloves to go grocery shopping but they LIED!
Apparently you have to wear clothes too.
When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me
or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.
What do you call a starving hippo in Budapest?
A hungry Hungary hippo
If not believing in myself was an Olympic sport.
I'd probably get bronze.
My Brother’s wedding was very emotional…
Even the cake was in tiers.