Did you hear that Disney+ is making a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future where the time machine is half car and half person?
It’s called the Man-DeLorean.
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
me: [flashlight under chin] they say a witch cursed this house 100 years ago today!
[100 years ago] witch: fuck this house
My family and I walked into the lobby and as we were checking in, I whispered to the desk clerk, “I hope the porn is disabled.”
The guy looked at me in shock and sputtered, "It's just regular porn, you sick perv!"
Did you know that a piranha can devour a child down to the bone in less than 45 seconds?
Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it
How do you collect data on how strong a river is?
You make a flowchart
How do you make the number one disappear?
You just add a G, and it’s gone.
Who is a famous Explorer from the past that has been largely forgotten?
Internet Explorer.
I didn’t think vodka could help my problems
But it was worth a shot
Dogs can’t operate MRI machines
But catscan
Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I’m not joking, but he is.
“Congratulations to drugs, who for another year in a row, has won the war on drugs”
https://ift.tt/35dOdVi
I’ve run out of toilet paper and started using old newspapers instead
The times are rough
A man made a mistake in an elevator.
He was wrong on many levels.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he saw a thunderstorm?
Looks like reindeer!!
This morning a clown held the door for me.
It was a nice jester.
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It takes guts
To be an organ donor
What do we want?
Hearing aids! When do we want them! Hearing aids!
Why do Hipsters keep drowning while iceskating?
Because they did it before it was cool
Alcohol is gay.
Cause when you have it, you can't think straight.
I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor!
A poor peasant is traveling the woody paths of Barnsdale, when a hooded man walks up to him. Robin Hood: "HALT!" "I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor, now give me all your money!" Peasant: "I have nothing, I've been hungry for years you see" Robin Hood: "Very well then poor man, take this!" Robin Hood gives the poor man a sack, filled to the brim with gold coins. He then fades away into the forest. The peasant stares in disbelief, exclaiming: "I can't believe it, I'm Rich!" "HALT!"
(In honor of my cake day, the one that makes my kids groan the most) When I die, I want to go like my grandfather: in my sleep.
Not yelling and screaming like all the other people in the car he was driving at the time.
Two men are discussing a business transaction.
Buyer: "How much does it cost to buy a singing ensemble?" Seller: "You mean a choir?" Buyer: *visibly frustrated* "Fine, how much does it cost to acquire a singing ensemble?"
Why did the tomato quit his job?
Because they weren't paying him a good enough monthly celery.
What did the Roman fighter say about his cannibalism?
He was gladiator.
What is the opposite of adulting?
Just kidding.
A guy asks a woman “Would you have sex with me for a million dollars?”
She replies, "Well, to be honest, at that price, the answer would have to be yes." "Well would you do it for five dollars?" "NO! What do you think I am?" "We've already established what you are. Now we're just haggling over price."
Scientists have invented artificial vocal cords.
The result speaks for itself.
Today I had my appointment with my psychiatrist
He thinks that I'm paranoid. He didn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.
A priest and a rabbi go to a remote lake for a swim.
All of a sudden, two buses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbi’s congregation and out of the other pours the priest’s congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals, looks over at the rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face. He says, "Rabbi! What are you doing!" The rabbi says, "In my community, they recognise me by my face."
Mom and dad take their 5 year-old son to the zoo…
They stop by the elephants and the son notices the bull elephant, who's clearly excited. The son whispers to mom, "Mom, what's that thing hanging from the elephant?" The mom, not really paying attention replies, "That's the elephant's trunk, sweetie." The son replies, "No, mom. I know what the trunk is. What's THAT thing hanging under the elephant?" He points directly to the bull elephant's now engorged member. The mother looks, blushes, and quickly says, "Oh! Um…that's nothing, sweetie." Frustrated, the son tugs on dad's shirt and asks, "Dad, what's that thing hanging underneath the elephant? I know it's not the trunk." The dad looks and calmly says, "That's the elephant's penis, son." The son asks, "When I asked mom, she said it was nothing." The dad smiles and says, "Son, I've SPOILED that woman."
My friend asked if i had heard of Pavlov
But it didnt ring a bell
What do you call a pirate’s trash?
Yarrbage
I spent 10 minutes trying to remember what the opposite of “night” was..
In the end I had to call it a day..
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son’s house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?!", she asked. "I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work", the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress", the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress", she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me". The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered sensually. "Needs ironing"…
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there's not mushroom!