Did you hear the police are on the lookout for a psychic midget?
Yeah, there is a small medium at large.
Bad reviews… only 1 star.
I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
he said he's an eighth theist
“You know, one would’ve been enough!”
One will see you later, the other will see you in a while.
A buck an ear.
Because you're 10/10.
Exactly where you left it.
He’s a giant banner after all.
My statistics professor told us that the larger the sample size, the more reliable are your averages.
The N’s justify the means.
Female, she doesn’t let you finish your sentence before suggesting something.
I said maybe.
They pulled the sheet back to show her blond hair, blue eyes and pretty face. "I can't be certain." I said. The sheet went down to reveal her creamy white breast and perky nipples. "Sorry, I'm still not sure." They took the sheet completely off. I stared at the pale body and shaved pussy, "That's definitely not her". "Are you sure?" "Yes positive, my girlfriends black."
Because he was in the middle of 9 11
but she broke up with me due to incorrect use of the colon
Because it was safer. (Credit to I-80 sign)
I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.
Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.
http://imgur.com/gallery/LVgGlW7 My eyes nearly rolled out of my head.
I accidentally joined a pro-secession organization. When I tried to leave, I was elected as their chairman. EDIT: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!
But, smoking bacon will cure it.
They both end with “Checkmate”.
So I let him drive it from time to time
The feathers. Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
… on the other hand, I'm okay.
The doctor putting two hands on your shoulders during a prostate exam.
He was having an eggs and stencils crisis.
Math puns make me number
Will keep you posted as the story unfolds.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. “I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?” The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
A woman was out golfing and hit the ball deep into the woods. When she went to look for it she found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to." The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue to feel good. Male readers: Please scroll down. The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife. Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show. Note: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen.
But don't worry, it was B9.
Maybe that’s why everyone is so scared of clowns.
They were disappointed that I wasn't A+sexual