Did you hear the police are on the lookout for a psychic midget?
Yeah, there is a small medium at large.
Why haven’t the aliens visited our solar system yet?
Bad reviews… only 1 star.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm.
I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
guys pray for my friend. He told me he only believed 12.5% of the bible…
he said he's an eighth theist
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked me with tears in his eyes and said…
“You know, one would’ve been enough!”
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One will see you later, the other will see you in a while.
How much does it cost a pirate to get their ears pierced?
A buck an ear.
Are you today’s date?
Because you're 10/10.
Where can you find a turtle that has no legs?
Exactly where you left it.
I don’t know why marvel hasn’t tried to advertise on the hulk.
He’s a giant banner after all.
My statistics professor told us that the larger the sample size, the more reliable are your averages.
The N’s justify the means.
What gender is google?
Female, she doesn’t let you finish your sentence before suggesting something.
My wife told me to stop singing Wonderwall
I said maybe.
The police asked me to identify what they thought was my girlfriends body.
They pulled the sheet back to show her blond hair, blue eyes and pretty face. "I can't be certain." I said. The sheet went down to reveal her creamy white breast and perky nipples. "Sorry, I'm still not sure." They took the sheet completely off. I stared at the pale body and shaved pussy, "That's definitely not her". "Are you sure?" "Yes positive, my girlfriends black."
Why does 10 have PTSD
Because he was in the middle of 9 11
I used to date my english teacher
but she broke up with me due to incorrect use of the colon
Why did the chicken use the crosswalk?
Because it was safer. (Credit to I-80 sign)
I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.
Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.
My husband: “Look at this mind-blowing machine I found in the bathroom!”
http://imgur.com/gallery/LVgGlW7 My eyes nearly rolled out of my head.
What did helium say to the balloon?
Lighten up
I accidentally joined an organization…
I accidentally joined a pro-secession organization. When I tried to leave, I was elected as their chairman. EDIT: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!
Smoking will kill you…Bacon will kill you…
But, smoking bacon will cure it.
What’s similarity between playing a chess and having a dinner in Australian restaurant?
They both end with “Checkmate”.
I Can swear, I’ve seen someone who did the last one, and complained it didn’t work!😂
https://ift.tt/2NaXfvM
My son loves my Delorean
So I let him drive it from time to time
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers. Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
I broke my finger yesterday…
… on the other hand, I'm okay.
What’s worse than the doctor putting his hand on your shoulder during a prostate exam?
The doctor putting two hands on your shoulders during a prostate exam.
My son was crying today because he spilled his scrambled eggs all over his art supplies.
He was having an eggs and stencils crisis.
Puns make me numb
Math puns make me number
Breaking News: Vandals broke into the Origami Museum last night
Will keep you posted as the story unfolds.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses…
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. “I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?” The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
A Woman Is Out Golfing And Finds A Frog Trapped In The Woods
A woman was out golfing and hit the ball deep into the woods. When she went to look for it she found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to." The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue to feel good. Male readers: Please scroll down. The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife. Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show. Note: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen.
I found a spot of cancer on my bingo card.
But don't worry, it was B9.
The past present and future got into an argument while camping.
http://bit.ly/2BE6vBp
The larger the feet, the larger the penis. The larger the vehicle, the smaller the penis.
Maybe that’s why everyone is so scared of clowns.
I told my Asian parents that I am Asexual.
They were disappointed that I wasn't A+sexual