Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well, I'm not going to spread it!
Where’s the lie?
First President in History…I guess
Wife bad thief good
who needs a certificate!
I told my friend that he really shouldn’t be using a straw and he replied, “Yeah, I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment.” I said, “Sure, there’s that…”
"But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."
Some just wanna watch the world burn
Imagine the damage from a single post!
What’s the best way to overcome depression?
Love it, so it leaves you as well.
What’s the difference between politics and anatomy?
In anatomy, the asshole is at the bottom.
What I if told you
You read the title wrong
C O M E D Y
Well that’s true
It’s so sad, it’s funny.
I’ve been saying “mucho” more when talking to my Hispanic friends.
It means a lot to them.
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
“What are those knives doing in your car? Asked the officer. “I use them in my juggling act,” says the juggler. “Oh yeah?” “Let’s see you do it.” Says the policeman. So the man starts tossing and juggling the knives. A guy driving by sees this and says, “Wow, am I glad I stopped drinking. Look at the test they’re making you do now!”
There is hope for us millennials
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Take off the ring and say goodbye to your house.
I have a friend who keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar…
…but I don’t believe him…
This one includes fred flintstone
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
At a loss on this one
Immunity level Beargrylls
I saw an amateur ventriloquist the other night.
The performance was a little wooden.
Speaking of pardons
In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.
Which means the UK will still have a functioning government.
Granny posted this on Facebook
Lemme put my glasses on
Is that how most Americans feel?
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
Carrots may be good for your eyes…
But whiskey will double your vision.
How do Vikings send secret messages?
NSFW Back in the 1990’s, a baby boy was born without eyelids.
His parents go to a plastic surgeon and the surgeon finds out the boy hasn’t been circumcised yet. The foreskin has nearly the same tissue as the eyelids, so the surgeon suggests a procedure using the baby’s foreskin to fix this problem. Ecstatic, the parents agree. After a few hours of surgery, it was a success! The boy is fine now, he’s just a little cock-eyed.
What do you call a hundred centipedes?
What an odd way of spelling Turtle.
Waiting for that message [OC]
It really was so long time ago… 😥💾
Why do chicken coops have two doors
If they had four they would be chicken sedans
The NYPD Bragged About a Big Pot Bust. Turns Out It Seized 106 Pounds of Legal Hemp.
The creation of Python (1991)
Take your pick.
TRUMP IS SUCH A TRANSPARENT PRESIDENT!
It do be like that though.
"Sorry, your password has been in use for 90 days and has expired – you must register a new one." roses "Sorry, too few characters." pretty roses "Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character." 1 pretty rose "Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces." 1prettyrose "Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters." 1fuckingprettyrose "Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character." 1FUCKINGprettyrose "Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively." 1FuckingPrettyRose "Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters." 1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow! "Sorry, you cannot use punctuation." 1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow "Sorry, that password is already in use."
Men Oppressing Women
I got a bad thesaurus.
It was bad.
When you see a meme for a different language
Asian’s kids’ problem when learning C++
This one guy I know on Facebook has been pumping out gold.
Son: Where were you born, Dad?
Dad: In the US Son: Which part? Dad: What "which part", my whole body was born in the US
Found this unironically in r/funny
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After a particularly nasty one, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this, so the following day, he walked in and said, “Class, did you hear about the shortage of whores in India?” all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies!” cried the professor. “The boat doesn’t leave until tomorrow!”
What did the tie say to the hat?
I’ll hang around here and you go on a-head
Lifehack for programmers!!
I don’t know why i loves bad puns so much.
It’s just how eye roll i guess
My dad told me to stop pretending to be a farm animal
He was sick of me horsing around
The website owner also have no idea
A Gentlemanly Bragging Contest
An Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman were discussing the wonderful screams that passion can evoke . . . The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non-stop, for two minutes." The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special perfumed aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for three minutes." The Englishman said: "That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours." The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? Wow! That's phenomenal, what did you do it to make her scream for two hours?" The Englishman replied: "I wiped my hands on the curtains."