Did you hear William Shatner was starting his own underwear line?
But “Shatner Panties” was not a good business.
My 4 year old asked me what you call flying food
I literally had no idea where this was going but he goes really daddy a jelly-copter
Made a poker table full of strangers groan last night.
I’ve never been so happy to make everyone at a table hate me. Another player and I were getting into a pretty big pot at the Texas Hold Em table at my local casino last night. Towards the end of the hand, he went “all-in” meaning he bet all of the rest of his chips. When he pushed his stacks of chips in the middle, there was a really long hair hanging off of the chips that stayed attached to the top of his chip stack. When the dealer counted up his stack he said “the bet is $205” And I replied “ah, so just a hair over 200 dollars then??” I’ve never wanted kids, but the audible groans I was rewarded with are now making me think I might be ignoring my calling.
Put some desks and a blackboard in my living room today…
To make it more classy…
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards….
creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is
A thief pointed a knife at me and said “your money or your life”
I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.
He had a small orange spot on the tippy tip of his chin
that is, until he… scrubbed it!!!
What do they call the hunger games in France?
Battle royale with cheese.
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi.
Because your side projects are just an excuse to make a new framework, right?
https://ift.tt/2Xz0fqE
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
It’s really time consuming.
Why is the Australian emergency line is“000”?
Because it’ll look the same when your phone is upside down.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to you lock calmly because
Communication is key
Why are leopards so bad at playing hide and seek?
Because they're always spotted.
Guys, to be Frank…
…. I would have to change my name.
The teacher asks how you put 2 holes in 1 hole.
Nobody knows the answer so she puts her index finger and thumb together and places it over her nose. Little Johnny then asks the teacher "How do you put 6 holes in 1 hole?" She says she doesn't know. He says "You put a recorder up your pussy!" The teacher, surprised by this answer yells "Johnny! I do NOT tolerate such language in my class! Also, a recorder has 10 holes! Not 6!" Little Johnny says "Yeah I know but I didn't know you could fit it all the way in!"
What’s the difference between acne and a priest?
Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 13.
Before going to bed, a little child asks his dad a question.
"Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'once upon a time'"? The dad responds, saying "No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'If elected, I promise…'"
Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me
Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy
I don’t always tell dad jokes
But when I do he laughs
My wife told me, “Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
What did the ocean say to the shore?
Nothing, it just waved.
I’ve compiled my bucket list.
I've compiled my bucket list. 4 drumsticks, 4 thighs, original recipe, 2 individual mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits.
Three men in a boat with three cigarettes but no matches, how do they smoke?
They throw one cigarette overboard and make the boat a cigarette lighter. (heard in the Adam West Batman series)
My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.
My girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
The tailor at the tuxedo shop was constantly trying to measure me, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”
What did the drummer call his daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3
Why can’t you run through a camp ground?
You can only ran, because it's past tents.
