Did you know crocodiles can grow up to 15 feet?
But most of then just have 4.
I was at a Trump rally and it was packed!
How do farmers party?
They turnip the beets.
This may be crazy enough to work
4 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. Here it is again for those that missed it.
There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted. About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off. The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals— the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak. The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins". "What do you mean?" asks the dentist. "Well… if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now." The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life." The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?" The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free." The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?" The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minutes of brushing each, then we decide." "Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom. Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper grins. "You are foolish human. But, you are entitled to your chance." The dentist takes another toothbrush, loads it with toothpaste, and starts brushing like a madman. When his 5 minutes are up, he spits out the paste. He smiles. It's unbelievable. The shine from the dentist's teeth is so beautiful that he can see the grim reaper's reflection in his perfectly clean teeth. The winner is obvious. The grim reaper hangs his head in shame. "You win, human. This time. Your brother will live." He disappears in a puff of smoke. At the same instant, the bed-ridden brother wakes up in the hospital. Not only is he uninjured, he seems perfectly healthy. Suddenly, the phone by his bed rings. It's his brother, the dentist. He picks up. "Hey bro. You'll never believe what happened. Apparently, I went out to the market and got hit by a car. They say I almost died." The dentist smiles on the phone and says. "That's interesting, bro. Today you might say that I also had a brush with death."
What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
I don't know and I don't care.
When it comes to Caring, the GOP is all business!
Wanna get away?
Hey kids! I put that Waze app in charge of my music playlist.
It keeps telling me to take the Backstreet Boys!
Let’s learn binary programming
Look What arrived in the mail today
A snake walks into a bar…
The bartender says "How'd you do that?"
Male anatomy isn’t the same as female anatomy.
In fact, there’s a Vas Deferens.
One of them is definitely lying…
How many germans does it take to change the lightbulb.
One, we are efficient and devoid of humor
Why did the condom fly accross the room?
It was pissed off…
Went to universal this break…
I am terrified of elevators.
I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
Petition to get SpaceX to send a Flat Earther into Space
My sad github repo
An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar…
The first asks for a pint of beer. The second asks for 1/2 of a pint of beer. The third asks for 1/4 of a pint of beer, etc. The bartender fills 2 pints of beer, and walks away.
My wife really hates that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed my things and right.
Kids and their WiFi.
Shots were fired
or just turn a notebook upside down
They’re already in the room
Perfectly balanced, as all circuits should be.
“Hello 911.” “What’s your emergency?” “These men won’t stop laughing.” “That’s annoying, but not a crime.”
“Wtf is manslaughter then.”
Its important to keep some candy in your pocket at all times.
It could be a lifesaver.
AMeriCa hAtIng ComMunIsT.
My son turned 27, so he’s no longer covered by my health insurance.
In other words, his manufacturer's warranty is up.
Why are Americans bad at League of Legends ?
They can’t defend the towers
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."
ammo against the republican logic 😁
A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says…
A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, “I’m gonna make your nipples hard.” She says, “Oh, yeah? My husband will kick your ass.” He says, “And then I’m gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down.” She says, “That’s it, I’m gonna tell my husband, and he’s gonna kick your ass real good.” She walks to her husband and says, “A guy at the counter told me he was gonna make my nipples hard.” He gets really pissed off, and starts to walk towards the bar counter. She grabs him by the arm, and says, “He also said he was gonna turn me upside-down, pour beer into my pussy, and then guzzle it all down.” Her husband turns around and sits down at his chair. She yells, “Aren't you gonna do anything?” He says, “I ain’t fucking with anybody who can drink that much beer.”
Probably the best funeral services ad..
Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds…
They’ve left no tern unstoned…
My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill anymore.
So I sent him a card, “Get well soon.”
Wife bad. DIY good.
HoW DaRE yOu sTiLl LIvE
I always do that..
My family just celebrated the 200th anniversary of owning a buffalo farm!
Yep. It's our bison-tennial.
My twin brother and I finally got a barber appointment and decided to shave off our Corona Beards.
He chose the electric clippers, but I got the straight blade. Despite being twins, we were razed differently.
So I work in the oil and gas industry and I just lost my job because of all these wind farms
Needless to say, I’m not a big fan.
My wife asked me if I’ve ever peed in the shower.
Me: Yes, twice, accidentally. Wife: How do you accidentally pee in the shower? Me: Well, sometimes I pee while I’m pooping.
60% of the country after every one of Trump’s Coronavirus briefs
What do you call a depressed vegetable
These days in India (more info in comments)
Stop making fun of programming languages
Every Game Development Tutorial Ever
Hahaha, virology noobs
Hur dur technology a nono
When people who hate same things meet
If there’s an emergency at your Game of Thrones viewing party
You should go to Daenerys exit.
Communist jokes aren’t funny
Unless everyone gets it
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. “What are you doing?” she asked him. “I’m going to have a bake sale to buy a car,” he answered. “Where on earth did you get that idea? We’re in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!” He said…
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
What do you call an egg on the beach?
My brother just updated his status to “I love my girlfriend <3".
I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.
Watt were they thinking?
My wife told me, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you mop or sweep in my life!”
Me: Floors are beneath me.
How do Vikings send secret messages?
What is the least spoken language in the world?
An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two moths.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge." "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
They didn’t expect to ever get a compliment.
[presidential test post]
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump
I said: “Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912. I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
Money is tight this year, so I let the porch-goblins take the blame.