Did you know Dr. Guillotine was killed with his own device because of his incompetence?
Apparently he was in over his head.
I’m outta here!!
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you…don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone. "She's finally gone…yeah I know, about time, I'm coming to see you, put on that …… French nightie. I love you…can't wait to see you…we'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes. She grabbed the note to see what he wrote. "I can see your feet. We're outta bread; be back in five minutes."
I used my stimulus check to buy baby chickens
Money for nothing, and the chicks for free
I don’t trust stairs.
They're always up to something.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes…
…you need to let that mango.
Keep an eye on the volleyball team at prom.
They might spike the punch.
The Queen just knighted the first cow in history.
He is Sirloin.
My friend told me a coronavirus joke…
…but I still haven’t gotten it.
Sleeping with the minister’s wife.
Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the minister's wife." "Can you hold him in church for an hour after services for me?" The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees. After services, he starts talking to the Reverend, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally, the Minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses, "I'm sorry Sir, but my friend is sleeping with your wife right now, he asked me to keep you occupied." The Minister smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "Son. You’d better hurry home to your Wife…Because my wife died five years ago."
Today I had someone knock on my door asking for small donations towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water
My girlfriend gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added some fruit and lemonade to it, and now she sangria than ever.
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunning pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks."You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," She replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
A mom was cleaning her twelve-year-old son’s bedroom.
Under the bed she found some serious bondage gear and other fetish material. Horrified, she asks the dad what should they do with him. Dad:"Well I'm no expert but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
I bet my farmer friend $100,000 I could get his cows hooked on weed
The steaks have never been higher
Broken pencils are pointless
No text found
I just need dad joke enthusiasts to know that the International Poultry Meat Congress is held in Turkey this year.
http://www.poultrymeatcongress.com
I want to hear 99 people sing “Africa” by Toto…
…It's something that a hundred men or more could never do
Someone threw a giant bottle of omega-3 pills at me
I'm fine – i only suffered super fish oil injuries
Her: I’m leaving you because you’re too cocky.
Him: Close the door on your way back in.
I entered a blindfolded masturbation competition
I don't know where I came
What do Green Eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common?
They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.
If you only sucked average sized penises…
You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.
What is the difference between Inlaws and Outlaws?
Outlaws are Wanted…
Dad, I can’t sleep.
dad: "Why not?" kid: "Do you see that monster under my bed?" dad: [looks under bed] "OMG yes!" kid: "Well, I drank the whole can!"
I never really understood the point of inside jokes
They work just fine outside as well
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?
In charge of the sequence. Yoda was.
Three women are sitting at a bar arguing over who has the biggest vagina.
The first girl says, ‘My boyfriend can fit a whole fist up there.’ The second girl says, ‘Ha, my boyfriend can fit two fists and a foot.’ The third girl just smiles as she slides down the bar stool.
When your mom is out and the food is in the fridge
When your mom is out and the food is in the fridge
Why are people from Ohio good at finding a spouse?
Because they can go from Dayton to Marion in less than two hours.
TIL Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
What does Alexander the Great have in common with Winnie the Pooh?
Same middle name.