Did you know his name is Kyle?
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I edited my pig’s genes to make it taste better
you might even say the bacon is CRISPR
A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk walk into a bar.
The priest orders a whisky sour, the rabbi orders a red wine, and all three of them died in agony and put those they were close to in critical condition because they couldn't just stay the fuck home.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until
they are flashing behind you.
arnold schwarzenegger was asked to update his laptop to windows 10 but he said…
…I still love vista baby.
Why are balloons so expensive
Inflation
I went golfing and I brought two pairs of socks…
In case I get a hole in one…
On a cold winter’s morning
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer is really screwed up now.”
I won a carnival goldfish once…
It had an irrational fear of ping pong balls.
I thought my TV broke…
I was watching a documentary about how polar bears’ hands and feet have adapted to the snow when all of a sudden my TV froze. It’s okay though, it was just on paws.
An American and a Russian died and went to the gates of heaven and hell. They were greeted by an Angel.
The Angel said to them, “Because both of you are sinners, you’re are going to hell. However, you can choose between American hell and Russian hell. In American hell, most people are American and they have to eat a bucket of shit every day. In Russian hell, most people are Russian and they have to eat two buckets of shit every day.” The American responded, “Well, I would rather be encompassed by Americans and just eat one bucket of shit daily.” And he was sent to American hell. The Russian thought for a while before replying, “Well, it sort of sucks that we need to eat two buckets of shit, but I rather surround myself with Russians. I choose Russian hell.” And he was sent to Russian hell. A few years later, they met again. The Russian asked the American how his time in hell was. The American replied, ” It’s not too bad actually. It’s comforting that most people are American there and it feels like home. The only sore spot is that I have to eat a bucket of shit daily. What about you?” The Russian replied, “I feel you. It really feels like right at home, either they forget to deliver the shit or there are not enough buckets for everyone.”
I got fired from the sperm bank
I can't figure out why, it might have been that every time someone left I said "Thank you for coming"
What’s the most remarkable invention of the last 100 years?
Dry erase board.
I quit my job as a postman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”
What’s a group of Chubby newborns called?
Heavy Infantry
My grandpa got a prescription for Viagra.
Grandma's taking it pretty hard.
I wrote a joke about minorities.
It's a bit different to the other ones you've heard.
My wife told me I had a small penis, so I said it was big enough to hurt her.
“There isn’t a woman in the world that would be hurt by that thing,” she said. I then showed her a video of me fucking her sister.
Why was Pavlov’s hair soft?
Because he conditioned it
Grandpa: What has 4 legs but is not alive?
A boy: A chair, hahaha, nice try gran- Grandpa: It's your dog, he is dead Jimmy
Physics is full of problems
And chemistry is full of solutions
Knock knock
Knock Knock Whose there? Grandad QUICK, STOP THE CREMATION!
I keep asking what LGBTQ stands for
And I’m not getting any straight answers.
Before going to bed, a little child asks his dad a question.
"Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'once upon a time'"? The dad responds, saying "No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'If elected, I promise…'"
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
Just spent $300 dollars on a limousine and discovered the fee doesn’t include a driver……
Cant believe i just spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.
6 out of 7 Dwarves are not Happy
No text found
Pronounciation is important…
The sentence "Use Chemicals to remove the Polish" could mean either a botched Manicure or Hitler's return
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex…
He's a small arms dealer
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki
Why were the Men in Black at Bruce Wayne’s Mansion?
his parents just died
Did you know a school of piranha can devour a child in 30 seconds
Anyhow today I lost my job at the aquarium
Can we just stop specifying the state when we make this joke? Pretty sure I’ve seen all 50
https://ift.tt/2xjJXr3
A ship carrying blue paint collided with a ship carrying red paint.
Both crews have been marooned.