Did you know if you break a mirror you get more mirrors?
Let us reflect on this
My surname is Turner and my daughter…
Well she’s a real Paige Turner
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England…
… guess you could say he sleighed it
My friend David got his id stolen
So now we call him Dav
Why do stadiums get hot after the game?
Because all the fans left.
What do you call an Arab stand-up comedian?
Mohahamed.
Today I saw an ad that said: “radio for sale, 1$, volume stuck on full.”
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
why was the electrician in the hood?
coz switches be trippin,
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re really good at it
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor the first day I was hired.
Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.
My last relationship, which was with a cross eyed girl ended.
Because she kept seeing someone else on the side
My boyfriend asked me why I like showering in boiling hot water
I told him a snack tastes better cooked.
Two days ago, I wanted to play hide and seek with kids but couldn’t
Good players are hard to find.
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack
The first Karen to get covid was….
Impatient zero.
I was going to tell a time-travel joke
but you guys didn't like it
Why couldn’t the banana yell high?
It could only yellow.
Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, “I’m going to become a lion tamer.”
The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming." "Yes I do!" "Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?" "Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down." "Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?" "Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down." "Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?" "Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him." "Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?" "Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage." "Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?" "Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."
I went to an auction today where they were selling a cheese grater once owned by both Hitler and Osama Bin Laden.
It was the grater of two evils.
Can we just stop specifying the state when we make this joke? Pretty sure I’ve seen all 50
https://ift.tt/2xjJXr3
The Hindenburg is the greatest feat of aeronautical engineering in all of human history
Edit: Holy shit this blew up
Why did the blind man fall in a well?
Because he couldn’t see that well
I asked my boss, “Can I have a week off around Christmas?” He growled, “It’s May!”
I countered, “Sorry. May I have a week off around Christmas!?”
Four men are stranded with nothing but cigarettes on a boat with no way to light them
So they throw one cigarette off board, and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter
So the Pope is having a conversation with Aliens from Mars.
Pope: "Do you know Jesus?" Alien: "Oh, Jesus. Great guy. He comes to our planet twice every year." Pope: "Every year?! It's about two millenniums and we're still waiting for his second coming." Alien: "Maybe he didn't like your chocolate." Pope: "Chocolate?" Alien: "Every time he visits, we gather the best chocolate from each manufacturing plant and give them to him before he leaves. Why, what did you do the first time he came here?"
Bashing a witness at the impeachment hearing for wearing his military uniform?
https://ift.tt/2OFOglR
Why is it that chinese kids don’t believe in santa?
Because they’re the ones making the toys!
A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary
… and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.' 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'
What’s the 9 letters of the pirate alphabet? (CORNY ALERT)
R, I, and the seven c’s (Say aloud) XD this made me laugh, hope it brightens your day
I can never get anything right. Yesterday I attempted suicide.
My wife left for work. I went into the garage, sealed the windows and doors. Started my car, let it run. I sat in my lawn chair and closed my eyes. After eight hours, nothing. I felt the same. I was soo pissed off I shut of my Tesla and went back inside.
A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. You rotten bastard, "says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!”
Women are like grenades…
Remove the ring and your house is gone.