Did you know Rick Astley was a huge Pixar fan? He will lend you any movie except one.
Heโs never gonna give you Up.
An Irish man walks into the pub
The bartender asks him: โWhatโll you have?โ The man says: โGive me three pints of Guinness please.โ So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until theyโre gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says: โSir, I know you like them cold. You donโt have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low Iโll bring you a fresh cold one.โ The man says: โYou donโt understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night weโd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and weโre drinking together.โ The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him: โI know what your tradition is, and Iโd just like to say that Iโm sorry that one of your brothers died.โ The man said: โOh, me brothers are fine โ I just quit drinking.โ
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours.
The blacksmith instructed the boy, โWhen I take the shoe out of the fire, Iโll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.โ The apprentice did just as he was told. Now heโs the village blacksmith.
Dogs canโt operate MRI scanners.
But Catscan.
Bernie Sanders confronted the head of the NSA and asked him why they are still illegally surveilling Americans.
The guy replied, โSome people just like to watch the world, Bern.โ
Gucci should open up a childrenโs store
And call it โGucci Gucci Gooโ
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, โSheโs beautiful, isnโt she?โ I said, โIf you think sheโs beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.โ
He said, โWhy? Is she a stunner?โ I said, โNo, sheโs an optician.โ
I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night.
I asked him what on earth he was doing in there. All he said was, "I cum in peas."
What did the maid request when asked to make the wood furniture sparkle?
"We need more lemon pledge"
Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.
Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes. Trump said I need one. Iโm the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!โ, takes one and jumps. Boris said โIโm needed to sort out Britainโ. He takes one and jumps. The Pope said โI need one as the world needs the Catholic Church.โ He takes one and jumps. Angela said to the ten year old: "You can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only just starting." The 10 year old replied: "Donโt worry, there are 2 parachutes left, the smartest man in the USA took my school bag."
My therapist just told me that I have serious trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Canโt say Iโm surprised.
My girlfriend dumped me so I stole her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
Did you hear about the atheist charity?
It was a non-prophet organization!
A man walks into a bar
He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble. The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?" The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his glass eye and bites down on it. Laughing, the man sees that the bartender is upset about losing his money, so he offers him a chance to win it back. "Double or nothin' says I can bite my other eye." The bartender thinks it over. He knows he was just tricked out of $50 but he also knows that this man can't possibly have two glass eyes, so he pulls another $50 from the register and accepts the man's bet. The man promptly takes out his false teeth and gently closes them around his other eye. Now the bartender is visibly angry to have been had for $100, and the man's laughter isn't helping. Just before he throws him out of his bar, the man puts his hand up. "Real sorry about that, pal. I get people with that bit all the time, but you've been a good sport, so I'll give you another chance to win some cash. I've got… $500 that says if you slide a shot glass down the bar top, I can run alongside of it and piss into the glass without missing a drop. This is kinda hard for me to do, though, so I think it's fair if you give me two chances at it." The bartender, eager to win his money back from the man, thinks to himself and realizes just how hard it would be for this man to piss into a shot glass while running at full speed. Especially knowing he only has one eye to line up his shot. After a minute of deliberation, he willingly accepts the bet. The man drops his pants to his ankles and when the bartender puts the shot glass down on the counter, shouts a resounding, "Go!" prompting the bartender to slide it along the bar top. The man chases after it, holding his dick at an angle to properly aim it. However, pissing while running at full speed isn't easy, so he only manages to get a couple of drops in the glass by the time it reaches the other end. Catching his breath, the man reminds the bartender he has a second try, and that the first was simply to get his bearings straight. Once again, he shouts, "Go!" giving the bartender his cue to send the shot glass back down the bar. Once again, the man chases wildly after it, spraying piss all over the bar top, stools, floor, and even hitting some of the bottles of liquor behind the bar. However, not one drop of urine found it's way into the shot glass. Head hanging low, he hands the bartender $500, to which the bartender gleefully accepted, jumping up and down in joy and cheering in victory at the cash he had just made. All of a sudden, a man in the back of the bar slams his fist hard against his table and screams "Fuck!" at the top of his lungs. The bartender mutters aloud, "I wonder what his problem is." To which the man replies, "Oh, I just bet that guy $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar and you'd be so happy about it you jumped up and down with joy."
I am sick and tired of millenials and their entitled attitude.
Always walking around like they rent the place.
I set the comp password to โHomework1stโ my daughter was getting frustrated…
I set the comp password to โHomework1stโ my daughter was getting frustrated that every time she asked what I changed it to, I answered. She did every piece of work, including corrections. Then I wrote it down.
I just read the โ100 things to do before you dieโ listโฆ.
Iโm surprised that 'Call 911' didnโt make the cut.
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I asked, "Who is this guy?" My grandfather said, "He's my hip replacement."
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank coffee before it was cool
Kentuckians
After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10. The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. ''Trust me,' said the doctor. So, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count! "1" "2" "3" โ4โ "5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Tennessee, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia, and all of Washington DC.
What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer?
They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.
What do pigs and ink have in common?
..they both belong in a pen….
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, โWhat do you want to see?โ
Me: You pick. Her: You pick. Me: I donโt care which movie. You pick. Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.
Did you hear Marry Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?
Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
A Mississippi.
As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with you.
But I can see where you are coming from.
How does a meteorologist go up a mountain?
They climate.
Iโm ok with cigarettes, alcohol, and even marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux!
Tarzan spent his whole life living in the jungle and had no idea what sex is.
One day Jane decided to give him a few hours of sex ed and explain it all to him with gestures like he was a child: "Tarzan, this thing hanging between your legs is your rag and this thing you see between my legs is a washing machine… What you have to do is wash your rag in my machine." The next 5 evenings Tarzan has been washing his rag uncontrollably. When the exhausted Jane finally manages to catch her breath she tells him: "Tarzan, listen to me… You can't wash your rag so often because the washing machine will break." You need to wash it every three to four days. Tarzan listens to her and for the next month he doesn't even lay a finger on the machine. One day Jane becomes anxious and asks him: "Tarzan, what's wrong? Why haven't you washed your rag in my machine for a month?" Tarzan responds happily: "Tarzan learn to wash by hand!!!"
A wife takes her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "Shes in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Daves wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.