Did you know that a raven has 17 rigid tail feathers called pinions, while a crow only has 16? The difference between a raven and a crow is just a matter of a pinion.
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If you die from inhaling muffler fumes…
Do you die from exhaustion?
Why is soy sauce forbidden in fights?
Cause you should never Kikkoman when heās down.
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One said, "Think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'These feel just like your sister's." Then you try to stay on for 8 seconds.
What do you call karate for amputees?
Partial arts
Why did Earth Day not affect /r/jokes?
Because everything is already 100% recycled.
Working out is like a drug to me.
I donāt do drugs.
Wife “Do you want to watch The Last Airbender with us?”
Me "I dunno. I haven't even watched the first one." Groans from the wife and kids ensue.
A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents." The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No,we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music – all that hip hop and rap tap – but we can't seem to do anything about it." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee." The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?" "Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!" Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce? "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."
eBay is so useless.
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 12579 matches
I am a little confused about why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday
I don't know what to make of it
Mod Apps and Memeless Mondays
Hey everyone,A lot to cover in this post, but first of all, just wanted to note that the People’s Choice Winner of the Hackathon was voted to be selfCAPTCHA (/u/selfCAPTCHA), so congratulations to its author. We’ll be hosting the next Hackathon sometime next summer.With that aside, we’re finally ready to implement a big rule change that should hopefully improve the content quality of the subreddit. Every Monday, starting November 18th, will now be declared a Memeless Monday. This means:For the duration of this day, all image jokes must only use OC meme templates or not use any template at all (i.e. not be a meme).We won’t check for OC very thoroughly – if it isn’t on knowyourmeme and isn’t a quick edit of a template on kym, you’re probably fine.All posts made which break the above criterion will be removed; no strikes will be administered for this violation.We’ll be pinning reminders every Monday to ensure nobody is left in the dark about the rule change. If we find that this isn’t increasing subreddit quality at all (at least for a short period of the week), we’ll either modify or abandon the change. If you have any feedback which you feel will make Memeless Mondays more effective, please do leave it below.Due to user feedback, we won’t be moving the subreddit to approval only (which was probably entirely unrealistic in the first place).Now, mod applications – like programming? Hate memes? Did the previous paragraph give you a burning desire to routinely exterminate them every Monday? Do you use Arch? We’ve got a position for you. We’re looking for a few active, passionate (as if) moderators preferably in the Eastern Hemisphere (if you’re not, still feel free to apply). Previous experience is always good but being reasonable, active on Reddit and knowing some programming is even better. Apply here.Thanks for reading. Now go and make some relevant, high quality, funny jokes or we’ll just end up automating the entire subreddit, it would be a lot less work on our side.
Great wine is like great jazz…
It confuses me and Iām pretty sure itās all the same.
My wife complains that I donāt buy her flowers.
To be honest, I didnāt know she sold flowers.
I saw a homeless guy on the streets and I had 50 bucks on me…
I thought, āThisāll be wasted on drugs and booze.ā So I just gave it to the homeless guy.
Why did the chicken use the crosswalk?
Because it was safer. (Credit to I-80 sign)
2020 is going to be a great year.
I can see it so clearly.
What do cops say when they have sex?
Stop resisting!
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing.
This is as close as I could get.
TIL that before the crowbar was inventedā¦
…most crows drank at home.
The first rule of Alzheimer’s Club is.
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Why does the Norwegian navy put barcodes on their ships when returning to port?
So they can Scan da Navy in
Scientists have recently discovered a fossilized dinosaur fart.
They say it's a blast from the past.
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
I’ve been dating this homeless chick for a while now and it’s starting to get serious.
She asked me to move out with her.
People get impressed when I tell them my home is designed by a famous Italian.
Until I invite them home and they realize I live in a Fiat.
Whatās Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty OāFurniture
Nine Months Later
Ā Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?" "Yes, I do." said Bob "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "She just died and left me everything."
Dwayne Johnson locked eyes with Medusa
nothing happened
Whyās it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left
Got a new phone, and I went straight to my lawyer’s office.
He's helping me build a case to avoid damages.
Every morning, I find that somebody has quietly put a bunch of celery on my front door step…
I think Iām being stalked…
My friends always make fun of me for having an imaginary girlfriend.
Joke's on them, they're imaginary too.
A new element was discovered!
Scientistsā initial findings on the new substance had lead them to believe it was highly explosive, however they simply could not determine what forces were to trigger this reaction. They dropped it from the highest cliffs, and crushed it in the deepest oceans. They tried igniting in it the sunniest of locations, and in the darkest of crevasses. They subject it to the hottest temperatures they could muster, both natural and manmade. And yet, the material was unwavering, refusing to yield to any forceā¦until a scientist suggested the impossible. āWhat if it only explodes when itās really cold?ā Out they set to test the theory. Sure enough, as the temperature grew ever colder, the element began to show signs of degradation. Excitedly, they began pushing the temperatures even further into the freezing zone. As the temperatures reached nearer and nearer to 0 Kelvin (absolute cold), the element continued to increasingly react. Finally, when the temperature reached approximately that of 0 K, there was a blinding flash as the element exploded before their eyes, leaving a gaping hole on the laboratory bench. As the applause from the team of scientists began to die down, relieved of finally solving the mystery, one of the senior scientists boldly asked, āso what do we name this newfound element?ā. Amongst the thought that ensued, one of the younger scientists was quick to make a suggestion… ā0 K Boomerā
My friend is trying to market his design for an invisible aeroplane.
I canāt see it taking off.
Three disabled stranded men
Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, but no one showed. They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair; and, eventually they find an oasis. The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same. The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he gets refused because the guy in the chair wants to be Mr Independent and isists the blind man goes ahead first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he can SEE! Now the guy in the wheelchairās getting really excited, starts pushing with all his might, goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Lo and behold, NEW TIRES!!!
I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn’t have one.
So I got a cake -Mitch Hedberg