Did you know that before the crowbar was invented
They just drank at home.
A man was told by his doctor that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized a solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway.He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
Lesbian bed
Just bought a new ‘Lesbian Bed’ from Ikea. Instructions say no nuts or screwing involved. It’s all tongue and groove.
I hate using Microsoft internet browsers
It has me on Edge
Young Virgin Couple
A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father. "Pop, what do I do first?" "Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies. So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama. "Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies. After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again. "Now what do I do?" he asks. His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice. A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks. "Well, what is he doing?" mama asks. "He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"
Leap year babies finally getting their Feb 29th Birthday in years today.
Leap year babies finally getting their Feb 29th Birthday in years today.
OK. I admit it. I’m an unemployed leather worker.
I’ve got nothing to hide.
For years I was against organ transplants
Then I had a change of heart
In a nutshell, an acorn is just an oak tree
No text found
6:30 is the best time on the clock
Hands down
What do you call a musician in the army?
A tambarine! Thank you! Thank you very much!
A drummer and her husband just had triplets. Their names?
Anna I. Anna II. Anna I, II, III.
Have you heard of the cheese factory that burned down?
Debris was everywhere.
I think my neighbor might be stalking me.
She's googled my name a few times, I saw it through my telescope last night
What do “PETA” and “Make a Wish Foundation” have in common?
A 10% survival rate I’m so sorry
Husband: Why are the defective condoms lying on the sofa?
Wife: What? Wife goes to find them and comes back angrily saying: I will kill you, if you don't stop calling our children 'Defective Condoms'. Edit: Guys this is just a dark joke… It's not real… I didn't overhear any conversation like that… And I don't have any kids of my own…
Windmills are not all that popular.
Despite having a huge fan base.
A father catches his daughter having sex with a boy.
His daughter says: "Dad, I'm sorry." He replies: "Hi Sorry, I'm Dad." He then turns to the boy and asks: "What about you? Are you fucking sorry?"
I asked the hairdresser to cut my hair like Elvis.
Stupid bastard started dancing around the shop.
The urge to sing “the lion sleeps tonight” may come any time
It's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
Me: “When I donate blood I do not extract it. A nurse does it for me. “
Receptionist: "Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way. "
Without Arabs we wouldn’t have 9/11.
We'd have IX/XI instead.
My wife told me she loves her new white board we put up…
I said "I do think it's rather re-markable."
What is coding called on Tatooine?
Jabbascript
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai don't like the Flinstones but people in Abu Dhabi dooooooooooo!!!!
If you work for Starbucks, and are caught stealing beans…
It's grounds for dismissal.
What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire. Edit: Thanks for the silver (my first metal)!!
What’s all this nonsense about nothing flying at Gatwick airport.
My drone's been flying about there all morning no problem.