Did you know that commas can change the meaning of a sentence.
For example
Ben is in a hurry
vs
Ben is in a comma
Son asks his father what a Vagina looks like.
Father: Before or after sex? Son: I don't know what that means? Father: Well there are two different types Son: Umm, before sex. Father: Oh well it looks like an Orchid at dawn just as the sun hits it, with dew drops on it, in a Botanical garden in Spring. Son: Oh woah. What does it look like after sex? Father: It looks like a bulldog just ate a jar of mayonnaise.
I just saw the worlds biggest pair of glasses
It was quite the spectacle
TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year’s Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil
He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.
A man applies for a job as a lumberjack
Well sir, do you have any lumber jacking experience? Yes. I was part of an elite team of lumberjacks who worked on the largest lumberjacking project ever for nearly 3 years. Oh. You don't say? Where exactly was it you worked? The Sahara Forest in Africa, Sir. The Sahara Forest? Don't you mean the Sahara desert? Well sure, that's what they call it now.
What do you call a smart fart?
Asstoot.
Do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge my phone in my honda?
Best Buy employee: a cord? Me: no it's a Civic.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
What do snails become when they die?
Escarghosts
What’s the difference between Donald Trump and a worm?
One of them is a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought, the other one actually shows up when it rains.
My wife was really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed my bags and right.
If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait two days.
It will be a sadder day.
Kim Jong-Un decides he wants to go hunting and takes his three top ministers with him, the Minister of the Interior, the Minister of Defense, and the Minister of Propaganda.
After a short while of stomping aroiund in the woods, they come across some ducks. Kim turns to his Minister of the Interior. "Shoot the ducks!" he orders. The Minister of the Interior raises his shotgun, aims, fires, and misses all the ducks. Kim stares at him. The ducks start flying away. Kim turns to his Minister of Defense. "Shoot the ducks!" he orders. The Minister of Defense raises his shotgun, shoots at the flock of ducks, and misses. Kim stares angrily at him, grabs his own shotgun, raises it, fires, and misses. Immediately the Minister of Propaganda shouts "Look! Flying dead ducks!"
Wanna know what gets me down
Stairs
What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?
When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing.
This is as close as I could get.
When you die which body part dies the last?
Your pupils, they dilate.
My wife yelled at me for having no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right.
2 antennas got married last week. The wedding was kinda lame….
But the reception was amazing.
I was addicted to soap for years…
I’m clean now!
A couple of thugs on a bike, drove past a pedestrian and snatched his bluetooth headphone straight off his ear…
They came back to return it 2 minutes later, when they realised they had stolen his hearing aid.
Ordered a Stud Finder on Amazon and forgot to give them a shipping address.
Still made it to my door.
How does a tree access the internet?
It logs on.
I walked up to a fit girl at a bar the other night and said,
"Hey gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?" She said, "Do you like sex?" I said, "Of course I like sex." She said, "Do you like to travel?" I said, "Yeah, I love to travel." She said, "Then fuck off."
I used to be addicted to soap
But I'm clean now.
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
It gets toad.
A shipment of Viagra has been stolen
Police looking for hardened criminals.
William Shatner has discontinued his new line of lingerie.
Apparently, Shatner panties wasn’t the best choice for a name.