Did you know that cucumbers are good for your memory ?
Because I got one stuck in my ass a couple years ago and me, my family and doctor still remember it vividly
Why do French riot police leave early for work?
So they can beat the crowd.
Why can’t werewolves tell time
Because they are not when wolves
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexic Association
I went to Walmart today..
I went to the Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the winshield… the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
I was doing a little shopping at my local grocery store.
As the cute cashier was ringing up my stuff, she saw that all I had was some ramen noodles, frozen burritos, and canned spaghetti. She giggled and said βI can tell your singleβ. I laughed and asked βwhat gave it away?β She said βyouβre fuckin uglyβ
My friend asked me, βIs sex weird after one gets a vasectomy?β
I said, βI donβt notice a vas deferens.β
A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Bartender: I'm sorry, we don't serve food here.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman…
The kids weren't much to look at!
Whatβs orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot π₯
What did Helen Keller say when she put down the cheese grater?
Β That was the most violent book I've ever read.
A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.
Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100." The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars… I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"
What do you call a failed abortion?
Survival of the fetus
If you see a Spanish person tell them “mucho”
It means a lot to them
The salesman asked me , βso which mattress do you want?β.
I said , βitβs a big decision, I need to sleep on itβ.
I told my wife to shave her pussy
and I woke up bald
A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy
βWhat are you drinking?β he asks the guy. βMagic beer,β he says. βOh, yeah? Whatβs so magical about it?β Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile. βAmazing!β the man says. βLemme try some of that!β The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof βand plummets 15 stories to the ground. The bartender shakes his head. βYou know, youβre a real jerk when youβre drunk, Superman.β
What do you call a hippies wife. Mississippi…..
No text found
Sex Therapy
A doctor had a good reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he couldn't help. The Browns came into see the successful doctor and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests. Finally, he concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I can help you." "On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue. "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help." The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please, help us." "Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios… "
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before.”
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm…that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…"
Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Del
She wanted to see the task manager
A woman was in court being sentenced for beating her husband to death with his electric guitars…
Judge: First offender? Woman: No, first a Gibson, then a Fender.
Otherwise
Otherwise
βDad, can I go to the Renaissance festival?β
Dad: No. Youβre grounded. Son: No fair! Dad: Thatβs exactly what I said.
What do you call an erection at a funeral?
Mourning Wood
Whatβs the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck