Did you know that Diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in the jeans
What did the robber say after blowing up Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!
Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten-year-old schoolboy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.
Trump said I need one. Iām the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!ā, takes one and jumps. Boris said āIām needed to sort out Britainā. He takes one and jumps. The Pope said āI need one as the world needs the Catholic Church.ā He takes one and jumps. Angela said to the ten-year-old: "You can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only just starting." The 10-year-old replied: "Donāt worry, there are 2 parachutes left, the smartest man in the USA took my school bag."
Where does a poor italian live?
In Spaghetto
Why do skeletons never take any risks?
Because they have no guts.
I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people
But none of them work.
Did you know a school of piranha can devour a child in 30 seconds
Anyhow today I lost my job at the aquarium
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
I’m sick of all these people saying cats are liquid.
They're obviously non-Mewtonian.
What concert costs just 45 cent?
50 Cent ft. Nickelback
A man enters a sexy lingerie store to purchase a transparent negligee for his wife.
The salesgirl shows him several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price — the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself." She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
During his presidency, there were some files that even Obama couldnāt touch.
The *For Biden* files.
Seriously, this game was beaten by a 19 yo furry, PokĆ©monās with second amendement right and the sweet taste of liber-tea.
Seriously, this game was beaten by a 19 yo furry, PokĆ©monās with second amendement right and the sweet taste of liber-tea.
A Chinese man walks into a bar and sits right next to a Jewish man.
The Jewish man starts eyeing the Chinese man suspiciously, a dark expression covering his face. Suddenly, with no warning at all, he stands up, grabs the Chinese man by the neck, smashes his face against the bar and throws him to the floor. The Chinese man, dazed and angry, stands up and confronts the Jewish man. āWhat the fuck is wrong with you?! Why would you do that?!ā The Jewish man looks him in the eye and says āThat was for bombing Pearl Harbor.ā The Chinese man froze. āFor bombing Pe- but that was the Japanese!! I am Chinese!ā āJapanese, Chinese, Korean, youāre all the same to meā, said the Jewish man. Dumbfounded, the Chinese man sits at the bar and orders another beer. He keeps eyeing the Jewish man, a dark expression on his face. Suddenly, he grabs his beer mug and smashes it against the Jewish manās face, then proceeds to punch him and kick him until the Jewish man isnāt moving any more. He sits back at the bar. After a couple of minutes, the Jewish man struggles to his feet, stumbles to the bar, and confronts the Chinese man. āWhat the fuck was that about?ā The Chinese man sips his beer, and without looking at the Jewish man, he says āThat was for sinking the Titanic.ā Outraged, the Jewish man goes red. āSinking the Ti- that was an iceberg!!ā The Chinese man shrugs. āTheyāre all the same to me, icebergs, Goldbergs, Rosenbergs, Silberbergs…ā
Two guys are changing in a locker room, one is putting on lace knickers
"Since when do you wear womens pants?" "Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"
As the nurse is making the rounds at the old folks home…
She stops by Carl's room and sees him putting black shoe polish all over his penis. Dismayed, she exclaims "no, no, no Carl, you misunderstood. I said remember to turn your clock back."
When 6ix9ine gets out of jail,
He'll be the first mumble rapper to finish his sentence
Great!
https://ift.tt/2lZyVSN
a book just fell on my head…
i've only got my shelf to blame….
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to change a light bulb?
To get to the other side!
You should invest in these stocks:
Chicken, vegetable, and beef. Youāll be a bouillonaire in no time.
My friends star sign was cancer and it was quite ironic how he died really
He was attacked by a giant crab
The first joke my 3yo self ever made
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom. My dad remembers me being really proud of it and telling everyone, haha!
I just found out my girlfriend just gave me an STD….
Looks like Iām gonorrhea-valuate the relationship
What has 8 legs and 8 eyes?
8 pirates
Iām frightened of elevators
Iām taking steps to avoid them now
Ikea failed miserably at processed meat products business
Someone ordered meatballs and Ikea sends them a cow with DIY instructions
Yesterday I got mugged by six dwarves
Not happy
What’s the smartest mountain in the world?
Mt. Cleverest.