Did you know that dogs can’t operate MRI machines?
But catscan
We were driving past a cemetery.
My dad said in a dead serious quiet voice "I know something you don't know about this place. The people living in this town aren't allowed to be buried here." And I was really confused, so I asked why. He said "because they are still alive."
What’s the difference between the worst political party and my penis?
One of them is left leaning, and the other one is right leaning.
A little girl is having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear. She says, βDo you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?β
The bear replies, βNo thanks, Iβm stuffed.β
I don’t mean to make sweeping generalizations…
…but all brooms are pretty much the same.
Two 95 year old men, Jack and Sam, are huge baseball fans.
One day, Jack falls seriously ill, and doesnβt have long to live. Sam visits him in the hospital to say goodbye. Sam asks him a favor before he passes. βHey Jack, when you get to heaven, can you see if there is baseball there? If there is, tell me.β βI can certainly try, for my best friend.β Later that Wednesday night, Jack passed away. Thursday night, Sam is asleep in bed, when all of the sudden Jacks spirit appears in front of him. βAHHHH! Who are you?β βCalm down, calm down. Itβs me Jack.β βGood hell, you scared me half to death.β βItβs ok, but Iβve come with good news and bad news.β βWell, whatβs the good news then?β pondered Sam. βThere is baseball in heaven.β βThank goodness,β said Sam, feeling wonderful, βbut whatβs the bad news?β βYouβre pitching Tuesday.β
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, βWait! Iβm a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, βAnd you will dialogue!"
NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: Show us proof you voted yesterday, and we’ll give you a cool flair! :)
Continuation of this thread, which focuses on the NH Primary.We are planning on expanding the flair program to primary voters in all 50 states. If you have any ideas for perks or extras we can throw in, please let us know via modmail. Right now, only voters from states who’s primaries have either occurred or will occur soon can request flairs.Iowa caucus goers are also encouraged to use the same form to submit their late request. Later states will be given the chance to submit their requests once their primaries or caucuses have occurred.NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FLAIR IF YOU VOTED!Simply provide evidence of your participation (any ‘I Voted’ sticker or other supplemental documents are allowed), and we’ll add a user flair similar to my account to your account.Special Discord Channel AccessVerified voters will also get special access to our exclusive Voter Only Discord channel. To gain access to this, include your Discord account ID in your above submission, and we’ll add you to this channel.Have a good day!
Here’s the thing about cliff hangers
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r/NASAmemes is a new subreddit for space and NASA memes!
r/NASAmemesFeel free to join if you’re interested!
How many battered wives does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just keep putting the broken one back in because it promised things would be different this time.
My boss just appointed me as his sexual consultant.
His exact words were, βWhen I want your fucking advice, Iβll ask for it.β
I donβt want to sound racist, but…
Every one in the KKK looks the same to me.
I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today
In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax Spray nβ Wipe, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.
How does Trump differ from terrorist organisations?
Terrorist organisations take responsibility for their actions.
I just donated 100$ to a charity for blind children
But I doubt they'll ever see any of the money
It’s only kamikaze if it came from the Kamikaze region in Japan…
Otherwise it's just plane suicide.
Zombie Mr. Clean
wants your draaaiiins
What’s Santa’s race?
North Polish
The word βdiputseromneveβ may look ridiculousβ¦
…but backwards, itβs even more stupidβ¦
I tried to re-marry my ex wife
But she figured out I was only after my money.
Whenever a homeless person asks me for money, I admit my first thought is always, “This money’s just going to get spent on booze or drugs.”
That's why I always give it to the homeless person instead.
The only Americans who wave Nazi flags are the ones who helped Nazis meet Satan
https://ift.tt/2v1GRY2
I just had to divorce an Apple employee
It was an iDivorce
Guy walks into a bar and notices pieces of meat hanging from the cieling.
He asks the bartender about it and the bartender says that if someone can jump up and touch one of the pieces of meat on their first try then they will get free drinks there for life. However, if they try and canβt do it, they have to buy everyoneβs drinks for the rest of the night. The bartender asks the guy if heβs willing to try it and the guy says βno, the steaks are too highβ.
What do you call an Irish baker?
A ginger bread man. Just came up with this. Sorry for your eyes.
My kid just told me sheβs scared of Santa.
Sheβs Claustrophobic
#2537: Do you have a vagina?
A woman hears a knock on the door and when she opens the door a man asks this. Man: Do you have a vagina? Woman slams the door in disgust The next morning she hears a knock again and answers the door. The man asks the same question Man: do you have a vagina? She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband comes home from work she tells him what's happened the past 2 days. The husband says in a concerned voice "Honey I'm going to take the day off work tomorrow and stay with you incase that creep shows again". The next day there is a knock at the door again, both the husband and wife rush to the door, the husband whispers " I'm going to hide behind the door, if he asks the question again say yes because I want to know where he's going with this" The man asks again " do you have a vagina?" Woman answers " yes actually I have a vagina, why? " The man replies " oh wow good! That means you can tell your husband to start using it and leave my wife's alone!".
Why can’t Usain Bolt listen to music while running?
Because he keeps breaking the record.
Where do you keep Schwarzenegger dolls in a store?
Aisle B, back
I was embarrassed when my wife found out that I was playing with my sonβs train set, so I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Tarzan spent his whole life living in the jungle and had no idea what sex is.
One day Jane decided to give him a few hours of sex ed and explain it all to him with gestures like he was a child: "Tarzan, this thing hanging between your legs is your rag and this thing you see between my legs is a washing machine… What you have to do is wash your rag in my machine." The next 5 evenings Tarzan has been washing his rag uncontrollably. When the exhausted Jane finally manages to catch her breath she tells him: "Tarzan, listen to me… You can't wash your rag so often because the washing machine will break." You need to wash it every three to four days. Tarzan listens to her and for the next month he doesn't even lay a finger on the machine. One day Jane becomes anxious and asks him: "Tarzan, what's wrong? Why haven't you washed your rag in my machine for a month?" Tarzan responds happily: "Tarzan learn to wash by hand!!!"
Four men went golfing together one day…
Three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a friend a new home – for free." The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillac's." The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio." The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. He is also amazing. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."