Did you know that if you put your ear up to a stranger’s leg…
You could hear them say:
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross. The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!" The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said: "Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
then 25.8069758011 is the root of all evil.
another popes up
Mom: You sure about this? I think you deserve better. Me: But mom, I love her so much! Mom: I'm talking to her.
It doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs when I sleep. Obligatory: Thank you for the silver and gold, kind strangers! My first awards ever.
My shower gets turned on.
Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh? Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work! Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly.. Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.
Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.
Anna 1, Anna 2
Now I’m sitting on the toilet with a massive vowel movement….
He taps on the window, and finds two kids inside: a girl knitting and a boy reading a book. After a second, the boy looks up. "Evening officer." "What are you kids doing?" the cop demands, "How old are you two?" "I'm reading," says the boy, "and I'm twenty." He points to the girl. "She's knitting, and she'll be eighteen in five minutes."
Remove the S
Just a lintel bit of the time
He said, “Poop!” It was a shit joke
He said, “Christmas stalking.”
It was the least I could do.
The *For Biden* files.
A student visits the principal's office. The principal asks: "What is your name, son?" The student replies: "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." Then the principal asks: "Oh, do you have a stutter?" Student answers: "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole."
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
I SAID MAYBEEEE!!
Because it’s made in China.
Me: You just did You: I'm not going to do that Me: This joke only makes sense if you read it backwards
It was super easy. I went door to door and If the customer wasn't home, I'd just leave my brochure and business card on their dining room table.
It’s where I flip your MOM over.
Guy: lifts gallon yeah it's pretty easy. Wife: I mean from the store. Guy: I would imagine it weighs the same there.