Did you know that you’re not supposed to make sick bird puns?
Apparently it's ill eagle.
What do flies do at church?
Flyspray
A shipment of Viagra has been stolen
Police looking for hardened criminals.
When two people have sex it’s called a two-some, when three people have sex it’s a threesome
Guess that's why my dad calls me handsome.
It wasn’t much fun when I broke my neck last year.
But now I can look back and laugh.
Problem with pay equality is that men tend to go for higer paying jobs
…like doctors or directors. While females tend to settle with lesser paying ones like female doctors or female directors.
What did the tectonic plate say when it bumped into another tectonic plate?
Sorry, that's my fault.
A man’s fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it.
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him. Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked the monk replied "Religious reasons." The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?" "Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
TIL Mr. T’s grandmother was a pirate…
Her name was Mae T
How can you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
The most notable difference is whether you see them later or in a while…
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar…
and are followed by 'Batman!'
Which differential operator requires the strictest boundary conditions?
The Stern- Liouville operator
Why was the green melon happily married and the orange melon single for life
Green “hon I dew” Orange “Can’t-elope….”
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves. Jk, he hasn’t opened it yet.
If you hold your pee
urine trouble
How can you tell good cops from bad cops?
Easy. Good cops carry a Goodge.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks
What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?
Skele tons! Stay spooky my dudes
The sweater I got for Christmas was picking up static electricity. So I went to the store to return it.
They gave me another one. Free of charge.
Otherwise
No text found
Happy National Limerick Day!! Here’s the classic one for you if you didnt know it.
There once was man from Nantucket Who's dick was so long he could suck it He said with a grin, as he wiped off his chin If my ear were a cunt, I could fuck it.
Passenger taps his cab driver on the shoulder, The drivers shits himself, almost hits a bus and stops inches from a shop window
"Wow youre jumpy arent you, i just tapped you on the shoulder" said the passenger "Sorry" said the driver "its my first day on the job and ive been driving a hearse the past 20 years"
Ninety-five year old virgin
Ninety-five year old Caroline died a virgin. Her last request stated that her headstone should read: "Here lies Caroline, born a virgin, died a virgin" The stone-cutter had a busy day, and made a shorter version, reading: "Caroline, returned unopened"
John Travolta was hospitalized earlier today for suspected COVID-19.
Doctors now confirm that it was only Saturday Night Fever and they assure everyone that he is Staying Alive.
Elevators are a lot like urinals
Everyone’s looking down, nobody’s making eye contact, and my penis is exposed.
I got kicked out of karaoke after singing “Danger Zone” nine times in a row.
Too many Loggins attempts.
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain… do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!" His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"
What do you call a Holy woman that works in your office?
Nun of your business
America’s almost finished switching to the metric system.
But they've got miles to go.
“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, your pizza will be round.”
What’s the difference between Election day and Thanksgiving day?
On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day, but on Election day, you get a turkey for four years.
I finally finished my book about clocks
And if you ask me, it’s about time.
A magician escaped a police car chase by entering a neighborhood…
And turning into a driveway.
My neighbor had a BBQ party, and some guest threw a grill at his face.
The attack made headlines.
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree…
The guy at the counter asked my dad "are you going to put it up yourself?" To which my dad responded "don't be disgusting… I'm going to put it in the living room."
