Did you know the titanic was the biggest whore in all the seven seas?
Everyone went down on her
What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?
One goes whack "shit" The other goes "shit" whack
Why did the Little Mermaid wear seashells?
Because Dshells were too big.
My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex.
Just this morning she asked, “Is that the best you can do?”
Why doesn’t the Lorax go to Vietnam?
Because the trees can speak for themselves
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd
Donald trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
Donald trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there each being worked on by a different barber not a word was spoken the barbers were even afraid to start a conversation for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves the one who had trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. Trump was quick to stop him saying 'no way buddy my wife will smell that and think I’ve been in a damn whorehouse. The second barber turned to Obama and said, 'how about you?' Obama replied 'go ahead my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.’
“Dad, what is a joke I can post on Reddit to get a lot of upvotes?”
“Hm, that’s a good question, son. I think I have an idea.” “Okay, dad. What is it?” “You should post a story about an old man tying balloons to his house to fly away and a Boy Scout joining him as they float down to South America.” “Why would I post that, dad?” “Because then when people like it, you’ll get a lot of Up votes.”
Amazing Team Player
The interviewer calls the candidate for the interview. The candidate enters and gives his resume. The interviewer takes a look and mentions that he is going to peruse through it. The interviewer starts reading through the projects and sees that he single-handedly led all his teams. He commends him on the same. He looks again and sees that one of his main characteristics is a good team player. He is confused and asks him "It says here that you are a team but you single-handedly led most teams. Isn't that contradictory?" The candidate smiles and says "If everyone in the team likes to work with me, I am a good team player, right?" The interviewer says "Yes" "Well, I am the only person on the team and I like working with me"
I yelled, “COW!” at a woman on a bike
As she rode by. She looked at me, gave me the finger, and turned back around and promptly plowed her bike into the cow. I tried.
SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym…
For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight. I had to explain to him that I was married now…
…and that's where I sleep.
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
My boss just appointed me as his sexual consultant.
His exact words were, “When I want your fucking advice, I’ll ask for it.”
A man dies and goes to hell.
There the devil tells him that there are different hells. He goes around checking to find the least painful one. First, he comes to the American hell. He asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the American devil will whip you for another 12 hours." Then he comes to the Russian hell. He asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the Russian devil will whip you for another 12 hours." He notices a long queue behind Chinese hell. He thought it would be easier and asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the Chinese devil will whip you for another 12 hours." He asks why there are so many people behind it. The devil says, "Well, the bed of nails is made in China and will break within 1 hour." "And the devil?" The devil replies,"He has been coughing lately."
Sunday: Greg. Monday: Ian. Tuesday: Greg. Wednesday: Ian. Thursday: Greg. Friday: Ian. Saturday: Greg
So this is how the Gregorian calendar was created.
We were going to have chicken for supper, but ended up having rabbit.
It was a game changer.
Scientists have discovered that diarrhea is hereditary.
It runs in your jeans.
Professor X to JK Rowling:
Professor X: "What's your power?" JK Rowling: "I can rewrite the past of fictional characters." Gay Professor X: "Interesting."
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants
Bartender: "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?" Pirate: "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
What do you call a mummy with a sore throat?
I don’t know. Sir Cough I guess.
paper
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable.
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping…
…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Two hats are hanging on a hat rack. One says to the other: you stay here
I'll go on ahead.
During her time in the US, the Queen of England was given a tour of a hospital
During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously. "Oh my Goodness!" screamed the Queen. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?" The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture." "Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the Queen. As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, she screamed, "Goodness Gracious! How can THAT be justified?" Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same condition, better health plan."
I’m pretty bad at building fences
Oops, wrong place for this post.