Did you know there was a Knight who always refused to fight in battle?
His name was Sir Render.
Once I was a male trapped in a female body..
Then I was born.
Physics is full of problems
And chemistry is full of solutions
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!” "I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck. "And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly. Sorry about that.” says the barman, as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just, we don't get many a ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road” explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck, and wants to learn more. But takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. The duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays up, bids the barman a good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvellous!” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." “Swell. I’m always looking for the next job.” says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus.” says the barman. "The circus?" repeats the duck. "That's right.” replies the barman. "The circus??” the duck asks again "…with, the big tent?” "Yeah.” the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" asks the duck. "Of course.” the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right.” says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says… "What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?!?!”
Hey, thanks! (Non-joke)
I've got a kid who's dealing with a pretty heavy anxiety disorder and mornings are particularly rough on him. Horrible jokes help distract him until everything kicks in, so I've been leaning on this sub. It's good to see him laugh and groan at the breakfast table and all of you monsters make that possible. So, yeah. From one dad to others (actual or honorary,) thanks for the assist.
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
You use spring water.
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.” Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”
“He who lives by the sword, shall die by the sword” said Jesus
the carpenter who was nailed to some wood
What’s the best reward for a knock knoc joke?
A no-bell price
How many Game of Thrones seasons does it take to change a lightbulb?
Eight, if you want to screw it completely.
I don’t hate ALL of the periodic table.
Just elements of it
WAITER: are you ready to order?
DAD: I’ll have the rabbit stew WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after I bring it … DAD: I’ll have the chicken
My wife and I decided not to have kids
The kids are taking it pretty badly
Chicken walks into a bar
Bartender says: "Wrong joke, yours is across the road?"
And you wonder why you’re stuck in the ER for 8 hours
And you wonder why you’re stuck in the ER for 8 hours
Why didn’t Joe Exotic ever release any Christmas songs?
Because he fucking hates Carols.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
You were named after Adolf Hitler.
He was named first!
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
I couldn’t believe my friend when he said he sterile…
I said, "no kidding?!"
Trump’s gonna build the wall out of…
Hillary's emails. Nobody can get over those fuckin' things apparently
What did the mute man say to the bartender?
No text found
Why did the blind girl fall into the well?
She couldn’t see that well
When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, “If you’re ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it.”
One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road. Then breaking through the flurries, I saw the headlights of a plow truck in my rearview mirror. Thanking my lucky stars, I turned in and followed the truck, hopeful that it would lead me back somewhere I recognized. I followed that truck for what felt like hours. He turned left, I'd turn left. He'd swing to the right, and I was right on his tail. After a while, I saw brake lights from the plow, followed by four-way flashers. The plow had stopped, and I saw the driver get out and approach my car. I rolled down the window to talk to him. "Why are you following me, kid?" the plow driver asked. "Well sir, my dad told me if I was ever lost in a snowstorm, I should wait for a plow truck and then follow it." "Well," said the plow driver. "I just finished clearing the Target parking lot. Want to follow me over to Best Buy??"
What is red and smells like blue paint
Red paint
That’s a nice ham you got there…
Be a shame if someone put an S in front of it and an E behind it.
My 6-year old nephew asked me to share his joke with my Internet friends, so enjoy!
Q: Why did the window frame hurt? A: It had window pains!
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people.
But none of them work.
My mate said he’d seen another bloke put his arms around my girlfriend three times.
"Fuck off," I said, "nobody's got arms that long"
What happened in Hong Kong this week?
According to Beijing, it's as calm as a June Summer's day in Tiananmen Square.
Started a new job where I test cat flaps with my toes.
I'm only doing it to get my foot in the door.
What kind of music do elfs listen to
Wrap music
My local barber was arrested for selling drugs! I was his customer for years!
Never knew he was a barber
My son asked me “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
Me: Usually to avoid answering questions like these.
I saw someone rob the Apple store.
I was an iWitness.
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to check their reflexes.
He really gets a kick out of it.