Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.
First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows." Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows." Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows." Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp. First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend." Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument." They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting. First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish — let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."
My wife swears the CIA put a listening device in our yard disguised as a tree.
I told her it's just a plant
When I was a child, I wanted to be a brain surgeon…
But apparently, I was too young…
Did you know that diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in your jeans
A lion never cheats on their wife
But a Tiger Wood.
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well, I'm not going to spread it!
I saw a man with one arm shopping at a second hand store.
I told him "you're not going to find what you're looking for."
People think that being a taxi driver with dyslexia is difficult.
It's as easy as C, A, B.
My friend David got his id stolen
So now we call him Dav
My friend went to prison for something he didn’t do.
He didn't wipe the fingerprints off the gun.
Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction,
and name it ElonGates.
Why did the reluctant knight finally decide to join the crusade?
The king offered him a free palace stein
The cop teared up a little as she wrote out my ticket.
I guess it was a moving violation.
I only believe in about 12.5% of the bible
I’m an eighth-theist
I cut a tie in half
And dropped them at the same time which half won? Neither. It was a tie.
I tripped over my girlfriends bra
seemed to be a booby trap.
What do you call an exploding duck?
A firequacker
Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?
Because if they fell forward they would still be in the boat
Sam signs up with the army and gets sent on basic training…
When they are handing out rifles, he is at the back of the line and they run out just before they get to him. The Sergeant gives him a stick and tell him to just pretend it's a rifle. So our hero goes running through the mock battle pointing his stick and yelling, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang. Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." The next week, they start bayonet training. Again Sam is at the end of the line and again they run out just before they get to him. The Sergeant tells him to just pretend he has a bayonet at the end of his pretend rifle. So Sam goes running through the mock battle with his stick yelling, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang. Stabidy, stab, stab,stab." Well the unit finished basic training and gets called up to go into real battle. Our hapless hero finds himself eventually on a landing craft, hitting the beach. Unfortunately, they have never given him a real rifle and he still has his stick. He is wondering what in the heck he is going to do. As the unit fights his way inland, Sam mindlessly points his stick at an enemy soldier standing on a hill and yells, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." To his amazement, the enemy soldier falls over dead! So he aims his stick at another and yells, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." And that enemy falls over dead! Now our hero is running madly along, pointing his stick at any enemy soldier he sees, yelling "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." Enemy soldiers are dropping like flies! An enemy jumps out from a bush beside him. Sam points his stick and yells, "Stabidy, stab, stab, stab." The other guy drops and writhes in pain. All of a sudden an enemy soldier comes walking slowly along a path. Sam carefully aims his stick at the soldier and yells, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." But the enemy soldier just keeps coming. Sam tries again, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang!" Nothing. As the enemy soldier gets closer, Sam cries out, "Stabidy, stab, stab, stab." But the enemy soldier runs right over him, crushing him. As Sam lies dying, he hears the enemy soldier muttering, "Tankidy, tank, tank, tank."
I know a kid who was born without eyelids. His parents decided to have him circumcised and used his foreskin as a skin graft for his eyelids. The surgery went really well….
…. although afterwards he was a bit cockeyed.
What do you call a flower getting a sex change?
A Transplant
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
How does an ant put on a tie?
With a considerable deal of practice and skill and the correct combination of knots in the tie so it can properly be secured on the neck. It's an ant-tie joke.
I told my wife I wanted to name our unborn son Obvious.
She said, "That's a stupid name." I said, "Now you're gestating the Obvious."
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
Why does a duck have tail feathers?
To cover it’s butt-quack.
My wife left me because I’m insecure
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee.
I was at a party and every one had a cold.
Yo it was sick!