Did you know vampires arent real?
Unless you Count Dracula
They taste like sheet.
That way I can set my own hours.
You'll be mist.
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!
We all make fun of them, but when we’re inside one at 4am we’re glad they’re around.
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. "I have an interesting case here " he says "A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped". "Have you arrested her ? " asks the sergeant . "No not yet the floor is still wet"
Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.
The water. Butane is lighter fluid.
When they ask, "So, what do you do for a living?" I just say, "Oh, you know… stuff."
It really means a lot to them.
My wife has been taking it really, really hard.
Because he dodged the draft.
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' … She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started..
He must be a part of some extreme mist group.
I have contacts.
It was a brief case.
She replied with "I don't know dad I'm stumped"
"Well, I've only got my shelf to blame"
Running, jk rowling
My math teacher is a bastard.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Police: “Open the door!” – Man: “I don’t want any balls!” – Police: “What? We don’t have balls!” – Man: “I know.”
They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
It’s impossible to put down!
Father: Son, I donated all your toys to the children's home. Son: Why did you do that? Father: So you will not be bored there.
Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
In case they get a hole in one.