Did you know what Bruce Lee’s favorite drink is?
Wataahhh!
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
They don’t know where home is.
Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: …
"You have perfect eyesight."
What did Delaware?
Maybe a New Jersey? I don't know, but Alaska.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller!
“Hi my name is David and i lost my ID…
… I guess you can call me Dav now."
I got pulled over by a traffic cop. He walked up to my window and said, “Papers.” I said, “Scissors, I win!” and I drove off.
He must be desperate for a re-match because he’s been chasing me for ages!
We don’t need facemasks for corona anymore
we can use coughy filters
Iron Man is technically a FEmale.
I will down vote myself on the way out….
What do you call a psychic dwarf who has escaped from prison?
a small medium at large
A man took his 6-year-old daughter to his office on ‘Take your kid to work day’
As they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong As everyone gathered around, she sobbed "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with"
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don't get some support, people are going to think we're nuts!
After you die, what’s the last part of your body that stops working?
Your Pupils. They dilate.
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes.
That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes
What do you call two transgender midgets having sex?
Microtransaction
As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero…
The Invisible man!
Whenever I eat burnt toast it makes me feel sick.
I guess I’m just black toast intolerant.
I’m addicted to brake fluid.
But it's ok I can stop at any time.
I went to the most popular NSFW subreddit and was shocked when I sorted by Best.
I can’t believe what this world is coming to.
I really hope mailmen don’t start getting the Coronavirus
They’re really good carriers
(Forgets Ferbruaury has that weird amount of days)
(Forgets Ferbruaury has that weird amount of days)
We’re just being respectful and ignoring your exposed skin
We’re just being respectful and ignoring your exposed skin
why don’t we ever see elephants hiding in trees?
because they're hiding.
If you’re bi and single then you aren’t bisexual
Your bi yourself
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time …
Are they guilty of resisting a rest?
When I was a kid, I told my mother I wanted to be a drummer in a rock and roll band when I grew up and she said…
"Well honey, you can't do both."
Two priests go into the shower
In the shower they notice that there are no soap. One of them says "Il go to my room and bring 2 soap bars" runs naked to the room, grabs 2 bars of soap and when he was running back… 3 nuns show up, first thing he remembers to do "freezes like a statue".. Nuns look at the statue and say "Such a beautiful figure, perfectly shaped" One of them, looking to the priest's "toy soldier" decides do pull it…. The priest's reaction to the enormous pain makes him drop one of the soap bars The nun concludes then, that it is no statue…. It actually is a soap machine!! The second nun happily does exactly the same and the priest drops the second bar of soap! The third nun pulls it once…. Nothing… Pulls it twice….. Nothing…. Pulls it thrice…. Nothing… Pulls it again and again and again…. And finnaly marveled she says: "Lord be praised… It also gives shower gel!!"
Why do men give their jackets to women when they are cold?
No man wants a blowjob from a woman with shaky teeth
Without women sex would be
a pain in the ass
All my friends jokingly said that this girl I have a date with is imaginary.
Well, the joke is on them. Because so are they
If you boil a funny bone
It becomes a laughing stock
After my memory loss, I couldn’t remember the other word for ‘couch’.
I've been having a hard time recalling it sofa.