Did you know you should always take an extra pair of pants golfing?
Just in case you get a hole in one.
Wanna hear the 3 main types of people?
The ones that can count 2. The ones that can’t count
Why did Spiderman quit his day job?
He was tired of being a web developer.
What do you call it when a pirate pees on people?
Arrrrrrrgh Kelly
I like telling Dad jokes
Sometimes, he laughs!
I failed my driving test today. I was driving down a country road with the examiner, when a rabbit ran out right in front of the car.
I remembered my instructor said you should never swerve or try to avoid an animal, because it's dangerous and you can end up causing a more serious accident.You should always just hit it and keep on driving. Had to chase that little bugger for miles across the fields before I finally got it!
How Cult45 reacts when someone tells them their Dear Leader said something stupid.
https://ift.tt/2BmbJSE
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good. Just made this up in the kitchen and got an eye roll from my wife, so I figured it was good to post, even if it is a bit cheesy.
My friend refused to believe he was gay and a dyslexic.
He was in Daniel.
Why is Ireland the biggest country in the world?
Because it keeps Dublin.
Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
If you get into a pillow fight with death…
Be prepared for the reaper cushions.
The four stages of Santa Clause in a man’s life…
1 "you believe in Santa Claus" 2 "you dont believe in Santa Claus" 3 "you ARE Santa Claus" 4 "you LOOK like Santa Claus"
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
It’s not hard
Never marry an archaeologist
They're always digging up the past.
I used to date a baker
But I broke up with her because she was too kneady.
If your cable stops working, it could be a bad ohm-N.
Sorry for the terrible pun, I just couldn't resist.
Where did Noah keep the bees on his Ark?
The Ark hives.
Bob the milkman
A couple of guys are at the bar. First guy says to his buddy, "My wife just admitted to me that she's been having an affair with Bob the milkman." "What!?" says his buddy. "That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?" "That's right," says the first guy. "Jesus," says his buddy. "Why would Bob the milkman want to fuck that?"
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and thought
Wow this is ledge ‘n dairy
I asked my friend the baker what is the key to being successful in the business and making good bread…
/r/Jokes/comments/fxvl3o/i_asked_my_friend_the_baker_what_is_the_key_to/
My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!
"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!" My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?" I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!" (This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each deal with grief our own ways…)
They always said if I wanted to make a difference, I should put my money where my mouth is.
I can really taste the change.
My youngest son wanted to tell me a joke
He said, “Poop!” It was a shit joke
Having student loans is like being in a shitty marriage.
They fuck you once a month for 25 years, they make you feel guilty about every dollar you spend, and you spend an unhealthy amount of time wondering if you could fake your death to get out of the whole arrangement.
What do you call supersonic yoghurt?
https://ift.tt/2Kx7Tv9
Why did Waldo wear stripes?
Because he did not want to be spotted
I will die in a month
but don't know in which one.
I’ve failed in Maths more times than I can count.
No text found
“I swear, I’m kicking you out of the house if you don’t stop singing Christmas music.”
But, baby, it’s cold outside!
I’m reading a horror book written in braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
Couples Therapist: So, tell me what brings you here today?
Her: It’s really difficult to live with him. He is so literal. Me: My truck.
I met an atheist who worked for a charity the other day..
She said it was a non-prophet organization.
I lost my notes I was writing for my book called “1,001 ways to cure an itch.”
Guess I'll have to start from scratch.
*Hits Blunt*
Blunt: Hey what the fuck man
Someone accused me of plagiarism….
That's their words, not mine.
A man attempted to kill me in my own house last night…
Luckily I was in my living room.