What do you call a black man who got hit by a car?
An ambulance you racist!!
Where’s the best place in France to take in the sights?
The Eyeful Tower. …ok, that one was bad. Paris-itic, even.
A judge asks a defendant to stand…
"You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out of the audience a man shouts "You lying maggot!" "Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel." "You Goddamned tightwad!" blurted the spectator. "Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill." "You cheap son of a…" the man starts to shout when the judge thunders back "If you don't tell me the reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold you in contempt!" "I've lived next to that lying maggot for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a damn tool when I needed to borrow one!" I found this and knew I had to post
My wife really hates that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed my things and right.
Why was 10 traumatized?
Because it was in the middle of 9/11.
I’m one of the best barbers you’ll ever meet. The only thing I’m bad at is bleach highlights.
But that's just splitting hairs.
Have You Heard The One About The Sheep?
It's baaad…
I want to tell a joke about Nearly-Headless Nick.
But I'm afraid I won't execute it properly.
I went to a gender reveal party.
It wasn't quite what I thought it would be. My host told me to put my pants back on and get the hell out of there.
I started carrying a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then my muggings have been a lot more successful.
Do you know what’s cool?
Winter.
We should get all the ex-USSR states back together
Then we could have a Soviet re-Union
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
An aging farmer decided it was time for his youngest son to start pulling his weight around the farm.
His older, strong-armed and favoured son, Jedediah worked hard every day, getting up extra early every morning to milk the cow before dutifully doing the rest of his chores. The farmers delicious milk became very popular around the area with neighbours often walking miles in for a glass and some conversation. So, the farmer decided to buy another milk cow so he could start making some money. The farmer realised that by God, this was a good time to get his younger, bookish son, David to start helping on the farm and so tore his book off him one morning and sent him out to milk the new cow. He was somewhat unsurprised, but nonetheless disappointed when David came back shortly after with a full pail of inadequacy. The milk was thin and bland and lacked the rich flavour and creamy consistency of Jed’s milk. With no more than a grimace of disgust, the farmer tipped out the milk in front of his son and told him to do better tomorrow. After two weeks of this with no improvement in the milk David was bringing in, the farmer called his sons one morning and asked Jed, with a ruffle of his hair, if he would bring David out and show him how to milk a cow like a man. Jed reluctantly consented and went out with David, while the farmer sat and waited on the porch with a delicious glass of warm milk from the previous morning. Before long, David trudged back to the house and announced, “I think I know what’s wrong now, sir.” “Well what is it?” asked the farmer, through a creamy mouthful of milk, beaming with admiration over David’s shoulder at Jed who was still vigorously milking. David gestured behind him and said, “That’s a bull.”
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead reach the steps to heaven, when they meet God.
As they are about to start climbing the 100 steps to heaven, God says, "Wait!" "At every step I will tell you a joke, if you don't laugh, you can go to heaven." The girls agree, and start climbing. On the 27th step, the redhead starts laughing, and disappears. On the 77th step, the brunette can't hold in her laughter, and disappears. On the 99th step, the blonde begins to laugh. Before making her disappear, God asks, "You were so close, why would you start laughing." To which the blonde replies, "I finally got the joke from the first step."
An atheist goes for a walk in the woods.
“What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, “Oh my God!” Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, “You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don’t exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you now expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?” The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?” “Very well,” said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke: “Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord Amen.”
Sarah was in the fertilized egg business.
She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one. Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
My friend did a PhD in palindromes…
He's now known as Dr Awkward.
I proposed to my ex-wife today
She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money.
As a landlord, I truly value my easy-going, Chinese food-loving occupants.
They're lo mein tenants.
If a mass of beef fat is ‘tallow’, and mass of pig fat is ‘lard’, what is a mass of human fat called?
'American'. Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away its broom.
Can’t a girl just say Good Morning to a guy like a normal person?
Is it really necessary to ask “Who are you” “How did you get in my room” “Why are you naked”.
“Knock-knock.” “Who’s there?” “Hatch.”
"Hatch who?" "Bless you!" Source: my 6yo at dinner tonight
I just discovered that the word “nothing” is a palindrome…
Backwards it spells "gnihton", which also means nothing.
What do you call a nose with no body?
Nobody knows
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
One takes things literally and the other takes things, literally.
The teacher can’t figure out who’s eating and interrupting them
The teacher can’t figure out who’s eating and interrupting them
Just found out I’ve failed my German exam…
Sacre bleu!
Back when writing in pointlessly complicated ways was a form of social esteem
https://ift.tt/3aCum58
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?
Because he had a ton of sick beets.
My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex.
They’re his watch dogs!
Coronavirus isn’t Trumps Fault. Ebola wasn’t Obama’s Fault. Sars wasn’t Brush’s fault….
And only a handful of cases of herpes were Clinton's fault.
What’s the most cryptic animal language?
Horse code
I wish tree jokes were more poplar
No text found