Difference between royalty and little Donnie
My wife loves tennis, and she was telling me how distracted she gets at the constant grunting during women’s matches.
I told her I’ll try not doing it again.
When you submit shitty code two minutes before the assignment is due for a programming class
https://ift.tt/2KRw7A8
Religion is like a penis.
It's fine to have one and it's fine to be proud of it, but please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around… and PLEASE don't try to shove it down my child's throat.
Walking to work one day, a woman asked me what was the quickest way to the hospital
So I pushed her under a bus
Paddy’s night in Dublin
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day. At one point, Mick the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. ‘Damn,’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again. ‘Damn, damn!’ He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. ‘By Jeebers… I’m a little crocked,’ he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, ‘No damn’ way’. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed!’ He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ‘Damn it!’ and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’ Paddy says, ‘No Jess, what makes you say that?’ ‘Mick phoned… you left your wheelchair at the pub
I use to be addicted to the hokey pokey.
But then i turned myself around.
Husband to wife. ”Why don’t you tell me when you orgasm.”
Wife, “I don’t like calling you at work.”
Sign language really comes in handy
No text found
If someone stole a Tesla
Would it be called an Edison?
How do the doctors treat mesothelioma?
Asbestos they can!
What do you call friends you eat with?
Taste buds.
Bro was really hungry
Bro was really hungry
What if the real reason aliens don’t visit us is because…
…we're a one star planet?
When I was 18 I wanted to kill myself…
But I'm a procrastinator, so I picked up smoking.
A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel..
…to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?" He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do." So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, "Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do." The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "Funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Israel…"
I was once kidnapped by a group of mimes
They did unspeakable things to me
Innovative Solutions
In order to streamline my work from home process, I’ve hired my cat as a part-time advisor.User: My laptop won’t connect to the VPN.Me: Consults my advisorMe: Have you tried pushing it off of the table and onto the floor?
Why do flamingos sleep with one leg up?
Because if they slept with both legs up they would fall over. My 14yo daughter just dropped this one on us.
I’m so good at sleeping…
I can do it with my eyes closed!
Why did the doctor pull a rectal thermometer out of their pocket?
Some asshole has their pen.
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
You're too young to smoke.
Why are leopards so bad at playing hide and seek?
Because they're always spotted.
I accidentally drank a little food coloring earlier today..
https://ift.tt/34eN8fL
Study shows women are turning into good drivers
So if you’re a good driver watch out
I remember the cop and acorn one that was quite random actually
I remember the cop and acorn one that was quite random actually
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones, but people in Abu-Dhabi-do! -Dad
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
You use spring water.
What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
Rick O’Shea
I’m heartbroken that I lost a bucket of sand, silt, and gravel.
It was of great sedimentary value.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing… They fast!
Can’t believe someone broke into my shed and stole my limbo stick
How low can ya go
I asked my father if he could leave his guitar collection to my children when he passes
He said that's music to his heirs
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger
Then it hit me
How to you send an apology by telegraph?
By using remorse code.