Different reactions to New App Idea’s
For me, sex is like a game
Single player
If I have twin daughters, I’ll name one Kate
And I'll name the other "DupliKate"
My favorite time of the day is 6:30
Hands down
I bought my son a refrigerator for his birthday.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
A lion will not cheat on his wife,
But a Tiger Wood!
If you get an email with the subject “knock knock”, dont open it.
It's a Jehovah Witness working from home.
I call my horse Mayo
And sometimes Mayo Neighs. (My dad plays RedDead Redemption and he legitimately caught a horse just to make this joke)
I made a website for orphans
There’s no home page
How does a rock pee?
He Dwaynes his Johnson
I recently got a Delorian but…
…I only drive it from time to time.
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.
After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
Why is dark spelt with a k and not a c?
Because you can't see in the dark.
So, A Pirate goes to the bar and he has a Steering Wheel sticking out of his Crotch
So the Bar tender says “Hey man, whats with the wheel?” so the Pirate tells him “Arrrr, its Drivin’ me nuts!”
What’s the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas ?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas
A cockroach can survive a nuclear holocaust, but if you swat it with a newspaper it would die instantly
This shows how toxic the media is
Despite Brexit, English is set to become the EU official language…
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union, given its majority status in the EU, despite the UK leaving. As part of the final Brexit negotiations, Germany proposed a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". Germany argued that this may make the EU more inviting to the UK in the future. In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
“Dad, was I adopted as a child?”
The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully: "We tried, but nobody would take you"
You shouldn’t watch any horror movies today
It May, Fri 10 you.
A zombie is trying to get his kid to eat their dinner
"Eat your food, there's people in America with no brains at all"
Some people think that boomboxes are really old school.
I think it's just a stereotype.
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain.
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!' The Texan said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy.' The next morning, the Texan returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.' The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins..
There were 2 fly’s on a toilet seat.
One got pissed off.
What do you call a werewolf youtuber?
A lycansubscribe!
There was an attempt to praise Trump… and then the truth came in like a wrecking ball
https://ift.tt/2VTw39e
My wife told me to take the spider out
We had a good night, he was nice, wants to be a web developer
6:30 is the best time on a clock
hands down
I went to the zoo the other day and they only had a dog.
It was a shitzu.
A kid walks into a whore house carrying a dead frog..
A kid walks into a whore house with a dead frog. He goes to the front desk and sets his dead frog up on the counter top. The man at the desk says, we don't allow kids here. The kid puts $100 bill on the counter and the man replies, ok what do you want? The kid says, I want to have sex with the girl here that has the most STD's I can get. We don't have women like that here sorry buddy. The kid then puts another $100 bill on the table. Ok kid, all the way down the hall last door on the left. The kid comes out of the room after awhile and as he's walking out the front door the man stops him. Hey kid, why in the world would you do that? You basically just killed yourself. The kid looks up at him and says, I'm going to go home and fuck my babysitter. My parents are going to come home then my dad will take the babysitter home and he will fuck the babysitter. My dad will come home and he will fuck my mom. My dad will leave for work in the morning and the mail man will come and my mom will fuck the mail man and that's the mother fucker who ran over my frog.
The waterbed salesman called out to me: “NOW WITH SHIATSU MASSAGE!!!”
"Really?" I asked. "Sure!" he said. "Just fill it with tap water."
I won $3 Milllion on the lottery
I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75 left.
A woman is walking down the street and see a little boy get hit by a car. She knows he won’t survive as soon as she gets to him, looking around she sees a church nearby and asks if he’d like her to get the priest.
The little boy looks into her eyes and says "how can you think of sex at a time like this?"
Petition to get SpaceX to send a Flat Earther into Space
http://chng.it/BDBrQHFJrk