Difficult life of coffee tree.
Jesus and the disciples are at the Last Supper…
Jesus holds up a cup of wine and says, "This is my blood." Then he holds up a loaf of bread and says, "This is my body." Then he holds up some mayonnaise and Peter says, "Let me stop you right there, Jesus."
“Using three words…” said my personal trainer. “How would you define your body?”
I said, "In a gym."
I hate the word “xenophobia”
it just sounds so…foreign
Whenever I undress in the bathroom..
My shower gets turned on.
An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife…
He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple…all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?" She answered, "THE TEETH!"
Two Nuns are ordered to paint a room
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side. The two nuns look at each other and shrug; deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice tits," says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"
Had to quit working at the gym because I got too exhausted racking all the weights..
Put in my too-weak notice.
Me, being forced to use Word again after three years of writing assignments in LaTeX
https://ift.tt/34m76nI
Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
A couple is divorcing in court, and they are fighting for custody of their only child:
The woman tries to pity the judge: -Judge, I carried this child 9 months in my belly, it is the flesh of my flesh and it comes directly to me! The judge is moved and says: -Right mam, but now, lets listen to your husband's arguments. The man prefers to use his pragmatic side, and says: -Judge, when I put my coin in the vending machine,Is the can mine or is it to the machine?
A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!” The cop growls, “You are the lawyer!”
The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"
I’m having a bun filled with ham and pineapple for my lunch today…
That's Hawaii roll…
What do you call 2 fat goths?
Morbidly obese. I know I shouldnt joke about obese people they've got enough on their plate.
A pirate with an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook walks into a bar.
The bartender notices him, and decides to ask about his injuries. "So…" he starts off, "How'd you get that peg leg?" "A shark bit off me leg." "And the hook?" "An enemy pirate cut off me hand." The bartender gasps, fascinated by the pirate's stories. "What about the eyepatch?" "A seagull pooped in me eye." "A seagull caused that? How?" The bartender questioned. "Well, 'twas me first day with the hook…"
My wife was in jail, so I decided to go in for a conjugal visit.
The kids will never play Monopoly with us again.
What’s the difference between sex and mental illness?
Most of Reddit has experienced mental illness
What do you call an Irishman that bounces off walls?
Rick O'Shay.
What did James Brown say to his dog?
1, 2…get down
How come you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they are really good at it.
Mona Lisa was framed.
Then they hung her.
A cow got into the marijuana field…
Now the steaks are high.
Two Students from Asia Came to My High School.
They were twins, a guy, Ving, and a girl, Ling. Ving is in my math class, and the dude is like a math wiz. I’m really struggling, so I ask Ving if he’d give me a hand on the homework. Ving says yeah, he just wants me to do him a favor. I’m like yeah sure what? He asks me to drive him to the city hall after school. He says he wants to change his name to something more American. I’m like alright dude! So after school I’m driving Ling and Ving to the city hall, and Ling is totally giving Ving the cold shoulder. I’m like what’s the deal and Ving explains that his name has been passed down for generations, and Ling is totally pissed that he’d disrespect his ancestry by changing it. So then we get to the city hall and wait in line for a super long time. Finally it’s our turn and Ving tells me he’s picked “Lee” as his American name. He steps up to the desk and starts filling out some paperwork, and the whole time Ling is scolding him about the ancestry shit, blah blah. Then it’s time for Ving to sign his name and seal the deal, but suddenly his eyes well up with tears and he says that he can’t do it. Shittttt man, that ancestry shit runs deeeep. The lady at the desk is like ok, but Ving has to pay a small fee to cancel his request. Argh, stupid small town laws, Ling groans as she opens up her purse and starts sifting around for cash. Suddenly, out of nowhere, some Asian guy bursts through the town hall doors. “DAD!” Ling and Ving exclaim. He looked at them and cried, “Don’t stop! Be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee, Ling!”
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler
![I drew this about the protests [oc]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/zxqm79rgorw41-400x268.png)
A bad workman blames his fools…
EDIT: tools …stupid keyboard…
If I’m offering you my seat, you fucking take it.
I don't need this "omg i cant drive a train" shit
Great wine is like great jazz…
It confuses me and I’m pretty sure it’s all the same.
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He doesn’t want to be spotted
Assistant: “Sir, can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?”
Boss: "Certainly not!" Assistant: "Thank you so much sir."
What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef jerky
I’ve already heard like seven cancer puns today…
If I hear tumor, it's gonna benign
They told me I wouldn’t be any good at poetry because I was dyslexic
But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they're lovely
What does a woman’s pussy and a chainsaw have in common?
Miss by few inches and you’re in deep shit.
Today was a terrible day, my Ex got hit by a bus
and I lost my job as a bus driver.
Man “I hate the world and everyone in it. I have no patience for it. It’s starting to make me sick”. Wife: “what do you think about me?”
Man: "oh you mean the world to me, darling".
The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide
My wife and I share a sense of humour
We have to. She doesn't have one.
The director of Pulp Fiction…
Quarantino.
My wife caught me cross dressing and said it was over
So I packed her shit and left.
Did you hear about the viking Rudolph the Red?
He looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain. His wife questioned, "What makes you say that?" He replied, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
![[NSFW] Gore](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/31nt0ypd84441-400x602.jpg)
There is a petition circulating on Twitter and Facebook calling on Canada to invade the US.
https://ift.tt/2UE9G6i
The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
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That’s a nice ham you got there…
Be a shame if someone put an S in front of it and an E behind it.
