Difficult life of coffee tree.
My partner is learning about male genitalia and vasectomies
I told her there's a vas deferens between male and female genitalia
I don’t know why I love bad puns so much
It’s just how eye roll
A farmer asked his dad if he could round up his 36 sheep
“Sure,” said the dad “40.”
What do you call a police officer in bed?
An undercover cop.
I’m giving up masturbating for an entire month.
Sorry, bad punctuation. I'm giving up. Masturbating for an entire month.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
I asked the librarian if they had any books about paranoia
She looked up and quietly replied, “they’re right behind you.”
Fred is a hippo who went to University where everyone is a hippo
One day, someone asked him where the medical building was, Fred replied, "it's over there and to the left. I do research on the brain in there." Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.
One cow asks another cow, “Are you afraid of mad cow disease?”
The other cow says, “Why should I be? I’m a helicopter.”
I’ve been saying “mucho” more often when talking to my Hispanic friends…
It means a lot to them…
What does every racist joke start with?
A look over the shoulder.
A man walks into a bar. The bartender greets him and says, For 5 bucks, I’ll show you something amazing…
The man agrees and hands over his 5 bucks. The bartender pulls out a small piano and a guy who is only about a foot tall. The guy sits down and plays an amazing tune on the piano. “Wow he’s amazing. Where did you get him!?!” He bartender replied, “There is a genie on the corner, he’ll grant you one wish.” The guy leaves the bar, finds the genie and says, “I want a million bucks!” All of a sudden ducks start falling out of the sky. The guy runs back to the bar to escape all the ducks and asks, “What’s wrong with that genie? I asked for a million bucks, and ducks started falling out of the sky!” The bartender shakes his head and says, “He’s hard of hearing. Do you seriously think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”
My wife screamed in pain during labour so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!!”
"I am sorry, honey." I replied. "What is wrong?"
What do you call a French guy wearing sandals?
Philippe Philoppe
Just happened. My kids are running around blowing a party noise marker. My wife’s sister says ” it sounds like an elephant in there”
I look up, straight faced, and calmly reply, "yeah, we don't talk about that.." My wife buried her face for a good minute.. I'm proud of that one.
Some people are really worried about getting trapped in a cave full of minerals
but to me that's just a minor problem
A woman brought a very limp duck to Dr.Santa, a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the duck’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.” The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?” “Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,” replied Dr.Santa. “How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.” The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a Labrador. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.” Dr.Santa turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!” The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $10, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”
How tall is Kanye West?
Oh, about Ye high
What’s my blod type?
Typo
My wife hasn’t said a word to me in 6 days.
What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.
My IT guy just asked, “How does a computer get drunk?”
It takes screen shots.
How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together
If Medusa, King Midas, and Oedipus raised a child together
That would be one stone, gold motherfucker
Did you hear about the baby strawberry?
It’s parents were in a jam.
After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils; they dilate.
What does Batman like in his drink?
Just ice.
