Dino’s mum
2 peanuts walked into a park
One was as-salted
I have kleptomania. Sometimes when it gets really bad…
I take something for it.
Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!"
My boss told me as a security guard its my job to watch the office.
I am on season 6 so far, but not sure what it has got to do with security.
New British Prime Minister, Boris Johnson
held a meeting with the cabinet today. He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the chest of drawers.
One day, a wife came home early.
One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset. âYou are a disrespectful pig!â she cried. âHow dare you do this to me! Iâm a faithful wife, the mother of your children! Iâm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!â The husband replied, âHang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.â âGo ahead,â she sobbed, âbut theyâll be the last words youâll say to me!â So the husband began, âWell, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadnât eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldnât eat because youâre afraid youâll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments! Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but donât wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you donât wear because I donât have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you donât wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and donât wear because someone at work has a pair the same.â The husband took a quick breath and continued, âShe was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and saidâŚâ âDo you have anything else that your wife doesnât use?â
A locksmith had to testify in court recently
He was the key witness
I heard this one from my raughty mother. I dont know if it is original :)
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?â Michael said: âJust a minute I have to go pee.â The teacher responded by saying: âThat would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?â Sherman said: âI am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. Iâll be right back.â Thatâs better, but itâs still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?â Little Johnny said: I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.â The teacher faintedâŚ
3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes and nothing to light them with.
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail
but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.
Whats the difference between running in front of a car and running after a car?
When you run after the car, you get exhausted. If you run in front of it, you'll get tired.
Stats show that the average person has sex 89 times per year.
Looks like Iâm in for a wild December.
What does a lawyer wear to court
A lawsuit
My kid damaged my iphone so I am giving it away
He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blue hair…
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent!
My dick was in the Guinness Book of World Records
Until I got kicked out of the library
My neighbor got busted for growing weed…
Apparently my property line isnât where I thought
A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate
A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, the son volunteered, âI know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates." About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, âEver since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." He sat down and wrote : Dear Mother: I'm not saying that you âdid' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you âdid not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, your son Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read: Dear Son: I'm not saying that you âdo' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you âdo not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under the pillow⌠Love, Mom.ďťż
-Doctor, ive tried everything to find love but it just wont work, what else can i do?
-Have you tried shaving your mustache? -No -Well you should, Karen.
Just heard that Harry is thinking of taking up painting full time after stepping down from the Royal family.
He'll be the artist formerly known as Prince.
My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!
It's not my birthday but a scary looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house
A chemist froze himself at -273°C.
People asked him if he was hurt but he said he was 0K.
The guys loitering on the street had been trolling this kid for a couple of years.
They'd hold out a nickle in one hand and a dime in the other and ask "Which one do you want? The nickle is bigger!" and the kid would always take the nickle. One day I took the kid aside and asked him "Don't you know the dime is worth twice as much?" He said "Yeah, but if I take the dime they won't ever do it again!"
An old holocaust survivor dies and goes up to heaven….
He asks God, "How do you get a girl's number in Auschwitz? Roll up her sleeve." God doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "Eh. I guess you had to be there to understand".
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well Iâm not gonna spread it!
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase
He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I'm off to New York. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing her suitcase. "Where are you going?" she asks. "I'm coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year."
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary.
Well the jokes on them â theyâre imaginary too.
My 8 year old cousin: ” Why did the chicken cross the road?”
8yo cousin: To get to the idiot's house. Me (patronizingly): Oh..uh..yeah good one haha. 8yo cousin: Wanna hear another one? Knock knock Me: Who's there 8yo: The chicken.
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: “You must be single.”
The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?" Cashier: "Because you're ugly."
Super Bowl Halftime
At halftime it's Maroon 5 Patriots 3 Rams 0
German Dream
We were talking about the American dream in class and the teacher said to a German boy if he had a German dream. He said, "We did but no-one liked it."