Dirty Old Man Joke #536
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old fellow sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered – 'Is that one word, or two?'
A man took his six year old girl to the office
As they were walking around the office, the girl started crying. Her father asked what was wrong with her. As the staff gathered around she sobbed loudly 'Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?'
A guy is golfing by himself and shanks a ball hard.
He yells, "Goddamn it all to hell!" St. Peter hears him and asks God, "Aren't you going to do anything about that?" God says, "Yep." Next hole is a long par five over water ending in a dog leg. The guy tees up and crushes the ball. It hits the water but just as it does, a turtle surfaces. The ball bounces off the turtle's shell and gets another hundred yards. Just as its about to stop rolling, a squirrel runs over and grabs the ball before being immediately snatched by a gorgeous red tail hawk. The hawk flies him off and just over the green the squirrel drops the ball. The ball hits the green, rolls and falls in the hole. Most amazing par five hole-in-one in history. St. Peter, astonished says, "You call that punishment?" God replies, "Yep. There was nobody around to see it."
I can never get anything right. Yesterday I attempted suicide.
My wife left for work. I went into the garage, sealed the windows and doors. Started my car, let it run. I sat in my lawn chair and closed my eyes. After eight hours, nothing. I felt the same. I was soo pissed off I shut of my Tesla and went back inside.
An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?" "Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied. "Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?" "No, it's turned black."
During the quarantine, my 4 year old has been learning Spanish. Yet, he still canβt say please.
Which I think is poor for four.
Two young brothers decide its time they start cussing….
Two young brothers decide its time they start cussing. So one night the elder makes a plan, "this morning at breakfast, I'll say damn and you say fuck" the younger agrees and they go to bed eager for the next morning. Breakfast time comes and their mother ask what they'd like to eat. The older brother says "I'd like some damn cheerios!" The mother slaps him so hard he's knocked out of his seat. She turns to the younger and says "well what about you?" He says "well I'm sure as fuck not asking for cheerios."
I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book…
She laughed at me, and said "Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone." So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
engrained
engrained
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Iβll let you know.
Talking to my girlfriend… does this count?
Gf: βI donβt know what you see in me.β Me: βNothing, I donβt have x-ray vision.β Gf: βYou know what I mean.β Me: βNope. Donβt have telepathy either.β
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, βWeβre looking for someone who is responsible.β
βWell, Iβm your man.β I replied, βIn my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.β
Would you calculate how many people you could afford to lose for unlimited breadsticks?
https://ift.tt/2Z5Ucvb
How did Billy feel after he dropped his toothpaste?
Crestfallen.
I have my grandma on speed-dial
Call it Instagram
Someone accidentally mailed me 10 lbs of pot yesterday. So I did the right thing and called the cops.
They just came by and picked up all 4 pounds.
I donβt always tell dad jokes
But when I do, he laughs
Did you know that having too much sex causes memory loss?
Or at least that what page 137 figure II part B of my middle school science textbook said.
What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
You look a bit flushed.
Sex with a robot is awful…
He just nuts and bolts
I was in the bank earlier, when the woman behind the counter started singing, “Downtown”…
I thought to myself, "What a peculiar clerk."
How to tell the gender of an ant?
If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats…
The Pope walks into a Mosque.
The Imam says βWhy the wrong faith?β
Why canβt orphans play baseball?
They donβt know where home is.
Studies say obesity is the main cause of erectile dysfunction
Time to get jogginβ ladies
I dig, You dig, We dig, He dig, She dig, They dig.
It's not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
You donβt need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
My New Years resolution is to lose weight.
So I'm off to the paint store since everyone seems to get thinner here.
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor?
Laughing stock
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO: JUDGE: Itβs a fine. MARIO [sadly]: No, itsa not.
If I Was That Guy, I Would’ve Bought A Lottery Ticket On The Way
If I Was That Guy, I Would’ve Bought A Lottery Ticket On The Way
Did you know that if you put your ear up to a stranger’s leg…
You could hear them say: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??
I made a chemistry joke yesterday in class
It had no reaction.
[NSFW] A man, a dog, and a pig wash up on a deserted island.
They're there for several years, until one day the man gets desperate, takes off his trousers, and tries to mount the pig. The dog, however, starts growling at him and baring its teeth, so he stops. A few weeks later he tries again, but this time the dog bites him on the arm until he stops. Later, a beautiful woman washes up on the beach. The man nurses her back to health and provides her food. One day, she asks if there's anything she can do for him." "Anything?" "Anything." "Well there was one thing." "Oh? What was it?" "Can you take that fucking dog for a walk?"