DJ Khaled’s favorite number is 11 because it has another 1
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Hey officer, how did the hackers escape ?
I don't know, they just ransomware.
A fighter pilot and a cargo pilot are flying around, talking shit to each other on the radio. The fighter pilot goes on about how much cooler he is than the cargo pilot and says, “Watch this, brah!” hits the afterburner, does a barrel roll and then a loop.
"Top that!" he shouts to the cargo pilot. "Ok, well watch this." says the cargo pilot. The plane just goes straight for a while. "How'd you like that?" asks the cargo pilot. The fighter pilot is confused and asks, "What did you do?" The cargo pilot replies, "I went to the galley and got myself some more coffee."
A farmer isn’t just good at his job…
He’s out standing in his field. Edit: Wow, my first ever silver! Thanks guys.
Bernie said he’s going to legalize marijuana on his first day in the Whitehouse
On his second day he'll legalize it everywhere else.
Shit Ain’t Funny Anymore. Stop making Excuses For That Guy Who Occupies The white House.
https://ift.tt/2VYradO
What do you call a sheep on wheels?
A Lamborghini.
Yes i masturbate fully naked
if you dont like it, go to another starbucks
My sister bet me £15 that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti
You should of seen the look on her face as i drove pasta
At first, I thought my haircut was too short.
But then it grew on me.
Out of the 26 letters, only E got presents for Christmas.
The other letters were not-E.
Study tip: Don’t drink water while studying
Because water decreases concentration.
I’ve decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m too scrawny…
I just gave my too weak notice!
I walked in on my girlfriend in bed with her personal trainer
I told her this isn’t working out
My son said he always gets tired after using his phone for too long.
I heard they got a nap for that.
Be Careful Standing On One Leg At The ATM!!!!
Worst way to check your balance. crickets
Why don’t birds recognize each other?
They are in da skies.
Because Shower Thoughts doesn’t allow images I guess
Because Shower Thoughts doesn’t allow images I guess
My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 AM!
Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums
In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes (old Soviet joke)
"What did they arrest you for?" asks the first. "Was it a political or common crime?" "Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven years."
I have written a book on Penguins
In hindsight, paper would have been better.
How to fall down the stairs
Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 6 Step 12 Step 24
I once paid $20.00 to see Prince perform
But I partied like it was $19.99
How do bees welcome their guests?
They buzz them in.
What did the copper say to the scientist who was going back home
Cu Tips of to my classmate for telling me this
Why did the chicken use the crosswalk?
Because it was safer. (Credit to I-80 sign)
AveryTech Company
This is the most advanced and comfortable gaming desk on the planet. It even has power and usb outlets in the drawers and cabinets and the entire surface supports wireless fast charging. It uses our own patented one-of-a-kind power cable with-built in backup battery to deliver completely uninterupted charging and power. This amazing desk starts at just $199.Legs and power cable sold separately at two thousand dollars each.6 months later: Unfortunately we will be ending support for this desk.
What side of a chicken has the most feathers?
The outside.
My cross-eyed girlfriend left me.
She was seeing someone else.
a man woke up after a serious accident and he said “I can’t feel my legs!!”
the doctor said “I know you can’t, i’ve cut off your arms!
What did the shy pebble wish for?
That she was a little boulder.
My grandfather’s favourite joke
First time posting here, my grandfather's funeral was yesterday, and in honor of him I thought I would share his favourite joke of all time. My grandfather worked in advertisement, and his favourite jokes had to do with bad advertising. His favourite? Women's dresses, half off. Rest in peace grampie. You'll never be forgotten.
A bee keeper walks into a pet store
He asked the person at the counter for 12 bees. After walking out the store, he notices that he's been given 13 bees by accident. He walks back in and says “there has been an accident, and you’ve given me 13 bees.” The Shopkeeper says "No mistake sir, that one is a freebie!"
Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp.
They rub it, and a genie appears. "I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces. The first dinosaur thinks hard. "Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat." Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him. Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder. "I know! I'll have a shower of meat!" Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him. The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs. "I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"
I don’t care that i can’t scrape cheese.
I have grater problems to worry about.
So, I got married once..
To a solid 7/10. She wanted kids right away. Gets her wish, so fast forward 9 months, baby is on the way. I am in the waiting room because I couldn't handle it. I see my child for the first time. Told her she could name the baby anything she wanted and she tells the doctor that her name is 'Love'. Wife isn't a hippy or anything and I'm not a huge fan, but fuck it, I promised her. Fast forward 10 years. Love comes back from school crying. I ask her what's wrong. Says she is being bullied because of her name. I cheer her up with some ice cream. Problem solved and best dad award achieved. Fast Forward 7 more years. Love has turned into a 9/10. She dresses normal. Always wears red nail polish. But she is shy, very shy. She is still mocked constantly because of her not so ordinary name. She comes home from school one day, obviously disturbed. I ask her if it's about her name. She says nothing and just kisses me on the cheek and leaves. First time she has kissed me since she was a baby. Just wasn't her thing. Then, I hear my wife pulling in. She is home early from work. I hear the door open from daughter's room. The door then opens from garage. Loud blast goes off directly behind me. I fall to the ground. Wife looks at me and screams. I look down and see bullet through my chest. Love says something about her name. I look up at my still beautiful wife and I say: Shot through the heart And you're to blame You gave Love …a bad name
People in Athens hate getting up early
…because Dawn is tough on Greece.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…
I’m not sure what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.
If Jesus was real they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion…
They would call it crucifact.
My buddy called me and asked what I was doing…
I replied, "Probably failing my driving test."