Do I have that right?
John F Kennedy was just “John Kennedy” From May 29, 1917 To November 21, 1963
They only added the F after he died
The Queen was touring a hospital
During her tour, accompanied by doctors, nurses, and hospital board members, she passed a room with a man furiously masturbating. "OH MY! HOW INAPPROPRIATE!" she exclaims "Your majesty, he suffers from a medical condition where he generates so much sperm his testicles will explode if that is not done at least daily" one of the doctors explains. "Oh…well I suppose that is understandable" the queen says, and they continue the tour. A few minutes later they pass a room where a patient is receiving a blow job from a rather attractive nurse. "AND WHAT IS GOING ON THERE?!" the queen shouts, almost fainting. "Same condition, better health plan."
How do they make scissors at the factory?
With cutting edge technology.
i call myself terms and conditions
because y'all keep ignoring me
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
I hate autocorrect…
It always makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo…
Instructions on how to cure asthma, arthritis, ulcer, handicap, cancer with ultrasound
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4dwdjBJdW0
I angered two people today by calling them hipsters…
Apparently, the correct term is conjoined twins…
Chocolate is like guns
if you pull it out in school, then everybody is suddenly your friend
Today I thought of a color that doesn’t exist…
but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my word.
I think my daughter has a crush on our pastor.
She talks about him religiously.
I am a proud antivax parent of 4 children.
Edit: 3 children Edit: 2 Edit: 1 Edit: 0
Why does Greta Thunberg like r/jokes so much?
We recycle our material every fucking day.
I don’t want to sound racist but…
Everyone in the KKK looks the same to me…
They finally invented a golf ball that uses GPS signal to locate the hole, and then roll in.
Just dont put it your back pocket.
What’s the difference between a hooker and jesus?
The look on their face when you're nailing them.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
I told a joke to a Japanese guy earlier about Sodium and Nickel…
He didn't get it though, so he just said "NaNi?!"
How many South Americans it takes to change a bulb?
One brazilian
How many D&D players does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them. Never split the party.
Pilot left his microphone on.
After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot ' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'. An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone. When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'.
Who really cares if I don’t know what apocalypse means?
It's not the end of the world
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it.
And he orders a beer
A time traveler walks into a bar
What did daddy spider say to baby spider?
You spend too much time on the web
That’s a nice ham you got there…
Be a shame if someone put an S in front of it and an E behind it.
I wrote an apology in morse code
I call it the remorse code
My doctor told me I could get a trophy from being on crutches
but all I got were smaller, weaker leg muscles.
What’s blue and not very heavy?
Light blue
Did you know that the secret service can no longer yell “Get Down!” when the president is in danger?
Now they have to say, “Donald, Duck!”
So, now that antifa has been declared a terrorist organization…
…when will the U.S. government start arming them?
I wrote to my North Korean penpal asking how things were in his country
He wrote back "I can't complain"