Do it again
My boss really hates it when I shorten his name to Dick…
Mostly because his name is Steve…
I’m not an alcoholic. In fact, there’s only three times I ever drink.
Before work, during work, and after work.
Why was the music teacher arrested?
He fingered a minor.
Do you wanna know why people with shell fish allergies can’t be body builders?
Because they can’t have mussels.
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?
The slow swimmer
Did you know you can’t run in campgrounds?
You can only ran, because it's past tents
Bank Robber: Where’s the Safe?!
Teller: Bank Robber: I SAID WHERE'S THE SAFE? Teller: Bank Robber: ANSWER ME! Penn: He always does this
Dirty Old Man Joke #536
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively. 'I would like it infrequently' she replied. The old fellow sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered – 'Is that one word, or two?'
What do you call a man with sore hands?
Arthur Itis.
I tried to steal a window but the guilt was overwhelming.
I could not take the pane.
“Several years ago, you could smoke in bars”
"Dad, what is a bar?" … "Dad, are you crying?"
I once met a crazed man muttering incoherently about ancient Mesopotamia, but I had to stop him, because…
I didn’t want him to Babylon…
Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.
What do you call a magical bra?
An abracadabra.
Who’s Santa’s favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley.
Why did the banana put on make-up?
To look more ap-peel-ing!
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food but just no atmosphere.
A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.
His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded "When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"
Why was the card dealer at the casino so resilient?
He dealt with whatever was thrown his way
What do you call a bird that only shows up to work when it wants to?
A millenial falcon
I was using ancestry.com and I found out that my great grandfather was from Transylvania.
Now I can’t even look myself in the mirror.
A coworker named Celsius recently retired at my work, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him.
He's the new temp. Seems like a cool guy.
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg
My bald surgeon friend is the most charismatic guy I know.
He is a real smooth operator.
Why did Bilbo Baggins die with an erection?
Old hobbits die hard.
I was driving with my wife and suddenly Pearl Jam started playing on the radio.
I told her, “It doesn’t get Eddie Vedder than this.”
Saw this on a frozen pizza. Both funny and sad that they have to put a warning on it.
https://ift.tt/2PUdfDS
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away. One engineer shook his head and laughed, "Typical blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That's just how I roll.
Innovative Solutions
In order to streamline my work from home process, I’ve hired my cat as a part-time advisor.User: My laptop won’t connect to the VPN.Me: Consults my advisorMe: Have you tried pushing it off of the table and onto the floor?
Why does the Prime Minister keep all his meetings post noon?
Because he is a PM, not an AM
Did you hear about the guy who flew so close to the sun that he touched it at exactly one point?
He was a real tan gent.
What do you call a pirate’s trash?
Yarrbage
![[visible confusion]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/v42d1y0frjf41-400x674.png)
My sister bet me $15 that i couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen the look on her face as i drove pasta.
I opened a company selling landmines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
What is the strongest and longest rope in the whole world?
It's Europe. So long and also strong that it is binding all the EU countries.
What do you call dental x-rays?
Tooth pics
What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life?
Alien versus Redditor.
