Do NOT be fooled guys!
My dog once retrieved a stick from 1 mile away
I know, it sounds a little far fetched.
If they call sex with three people a threesome and sex with four people a foursome…
then I see why they call you handsome!
My wife thinks I should sing Solo
Solo that no one will hear me
As I sail away from the island of lollipops…
…never to return, tears well in my eyes as I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. "So long, suckers," I whisper through trembling lips.
Bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: “One whiskey and ………………. one coke.
"Why the big pause?" – says the bartender. "I don't know. I was born with them" – says the bear.
I was going to put a vegetable joke in here
But you don't carrot all. That was corny. Don't beet yourself up about it. This is below my celery. Lettuce go our seperate ways.
I’d give my left bladder to be better in anatomy class.
No text found
My ex wife still misses me
But her aim is getting better
If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet
Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best . P.S.A – Do recycle ♻
Republicans must be flipping their shit over this blatant nepotism within our government!
https://ift.tt/37vjKDx
Knock knock / Who’s there? / Broken pencil / Broken pencil who?
Nevermind it’s pointless.
“I’m sorry,” said the barman, “we don’t serve time travellers.”
A time traveller walks into a bar.
When I die, I hope to go quietly in my sleep. Like my grandfather. …
… Not on fire and screaming like everyone else on the bus he was driving.
My son’s math teacher called him average
I just think he's mean
As I’m sure you’re all aware, the Notre Dame Cathedral is on fire.
They don't know who did it, but they have a hunch.
I saw a post in my feed about avoiding procrastination
"Saved For Later"
A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration.
When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit. He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?” She responds "I'll bet you $100 you can't guess the answer to that question" as she slaps a crisp bill on her dashboard. The cop rubs his chin and thinks for a moment and then says " OK lady, I'll take that bet." He guesses that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk. “However did you guess that young man?" The old lady says grasping her pearls. "You see ma'am," the cop said snatching up the hundred-dollar bill, "This is Reddit. After I read about you on the third repost, I knew I'd find you soon enough."
Shot my first turkey today..
scared the hell out of everyone in the frozen food section
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
It was horrible, nothing left but de Brie.
What do you call a five foot psychic that’s escaped from jail?
A small medium at large.
What did the drummer name his children?
Anna 1, Anna 2
I got fired from the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn't putting in enough Shifts, but it was really a lack of Control. I see this as a fresh Start, I thought I would never Escape.
I don’t tell dad jokes often
but when I do, he laughs
A banjo asked a fiddle to marry him. “Don’t fret!” he said. “Just duet and we’ll live in harmony until the end of time!”
Ten months later, the fiddle started to tip the scales. Her belly was noticeably bowed and before you could say concerto, out popped a minor. Daddy banjo went to the Hyundai dealer and traded in his old Accent for a brand new Sonata. After just a month, mama fiddle lost her key at the bar and had a break down when she couldn't find it. Apparently it really struck a chord with daddy banjo because for the first time ever, he took a harsh tone with mama fiddle. He drove her home, lost his tempo, strung her up by the neck and beat her. Domestic violins.
I looked longingly into my beloved’s eyes and whispered “A…E…I…O…U…and sometimes, Y.”
The priest then turned to her. "And has the bride prepared any wedding vowels?"
A guy walks into a bar…
notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money…" The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?" "Pay first. Those are the rules," says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. "O.K.," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do: First, you have to drink an entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there is pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there's a 90 year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've got to make things right for her." The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then do those other things!" "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is." As time goes on the man has a few drinks, then a few more, and he asks, "Where's zat tequila?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a few big slurps. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body. "NOW," he says, "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
Thanos’ finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.
Apparently only DC movies can do that.
A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50.
A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I have a big penis. I just wrap it around the bar and stay put. Go offer the owner 30 bucks for me. He'll take it." The man walks out of the store with the parrot and takes him home. They become best of friends. They talk sports, politics, current events. The man could not be happier. One day the man gets home from works and the parrot beckons him over with his wing…"Psst…come here. I need to talk to you." "What?" "It's about your wife." "Yeah, what about her?" "And the postman. Today he knocked and she answered the door in a skimpy black negligee." "What!" "Yes. And then they embraced in a long passionate kiss," the parrot went on. "Holy shit…that can't be possible." "It is. Then they went over to the couch and she slipped him out of his uniform and then things started to get really steamy." "Well," the man asks,"what happened next?" "I don't know," said the parrot. "I got a hard on and fell off my perch."
By legalizing cannabis and same sex marriage, we finally interpreted the Bible correctly.
" A man who lays with another man should be stoned. " (Leviticus 20: 13)
Dad: Did I make myself clear?
Son: No, we can all still see you.
