Do not use “BEEFSTEW” as a password
It's not stroganoff
The Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff.But then the teacher realised that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share ?' ''Yes Ma'am, My Daddy is told me a story about my Mom. She was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands. Pin drop silence in the class !! ''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story ? "Stay away from Mommy when she's drunk..!!"
Because they always keep their eyes peeled.
The followed response, "Guys calm down, it's just a drill."
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! . Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.' The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!" She retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!" 'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..
Ok brace yourselves for an absolute travesty of a joke, said during bathtime after water got into my daughter’s eyes.
I told my wife: There's the captain water, and the crewmember water. The captain water says: "All right crewmembers, do you know where you have to go?" The crewmember water replies: "Eye eye, sir!" This earned me a proper facepalm from my wife which I shall wear proudly as a badge of honor and now share here with you.
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100 000 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250 000 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500 000 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500 000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest. "No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."
Give a man a poisoned fish, and you’ll feed him for a lifetime!
Grimes: Do you ever notice that X Æ A-12 doesn’t have that distinct baby smell? Elon: Yea, he’s got a certain musk to him.
The same is true for the phrase "explosive diarrhea."
I said its Narnia business
…NOTHING gets done after that first bottle.
An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates.
They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife's interest in healthy diets and exercise. St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. "How much will this cost us?" asked the husband. "Nothing," St. Peter responded. "This is Heaven- everything is free!" Next, he took them to the Championship golf course just minutes away from their mansion. They would have golfing privileges whenever they wanted, an angel as a caddy on command, and the course even changed daily to represent the most elite courses on Earth. "This is… stupendous," the wife asked. "What are the green fees?" Again, St. Peter said "Nothing. This is Heaven- everything is taken care of." Next, he took them to the equivalence of a five-star restaurant next to the course. Wagu beef, prime rib, lobster, veal, salmon, rare vegetables and spices- all one could eat. "How much-" "Again, free," St. Peter responded to the wife. "This is Heaven." The husband paused. "Well… this is all nice, but… do you have any low cholesterol, low-fat options…?" St. Peter chuckled. "In Heaven, you don't have to worry about Earthly problems. You will never get fat and you will never get sick." Suddenly, the husband grew angry, and screamed toward the sky. St. Peter and the man's wife tried calming him down, but he kept getting angrier. "What's the matter???" the wife asked. "Why aren't you happy here???" The man responded, "This is all YOUR fault!!! If it weren't for your fucking 'bran muffins' and 'paleo chicken' recipes, we would have been here 10 years ago!!!"
They push twins together to make a king.
Only a fraction of people will get it
He was just winging it
He misses you.
but it just made it more sluggish.
He yelled back, "Nah, I didn't pay for my haircut!"
Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.
It must be in Airplane! mode.
Two. One to change the bulb, the other to hold the penis. LADDER. I MEANT TO SAY “LADDER.”
After 6 months of isolation, he is starting to get lonely. On Dec 26th, there is a knock of the door for the first time. He opens the door to find a large middle aged man with a big beard and plaid shirt. "I'm your neighbor from 11 miles down the road. I'm having a New Years Eve party and wondered if you'd like to come." Why sure, that sounds like fun! It's pretty lonely out here in the wilderness. "Ok, anytime after 9. Oh, and there's going to be some drinkin' going on." That's no problem, I like a drink myself. "OK, could be some fightin' too" Heh, well, I know how to take care of myself. I'll be careful. "And sure to be some sex too." Well, I've been pretty much alone for 6 months, so that sounds like just what I'm looking for! Any suggestion on what to wear to the party? "Wear? Wear what you want, it's just you and me."
His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison. When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto had ever met. Big Joel helped him through his day, showing him where to eat, shower, and work out. Myto woke up every morning and had a Chocolate Brownie for breakfast. The only brownies the prison sold were from a strange company called Dria. Every night, however, Myto noticed something. The power always went out at exactly 9 PM. Being an electrical engineer, Myto decided to find out why this was the case. He asked his bunkmate, Big Joel why this happened. Big Joel shook his head and sighed. “Don’t know why it’s got to be this way. It just do. Power goes out every night at 9.” Myto was perplexed. He resolved to fix this issue using all his electrical engineering prowess. He realized that by using the strange brownies made by Dria, he could make a con brownie. He hid a very powerful battery that he stole from the guards and hooked it up to the wires of his cell. To his delight, the cell lit up! Of course, this didn’t sit well with the other prisoners. Why was Myto and Big Joel’s cell lighting up even after nine PM? One of the prisoners came up to Big Joel and asked him how the hell their cell was still lighting up. Big Joel promptly replied: Well, everyone knows Myto’s con Dria is the powerhouse of the cell
A broken drum… you can’t beat it
I asked my 10 brothers and sisters, but they don’t know either.
are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Patient: "But doctor, I am not Steven. My name is Mike." Doctor: "I know, I am Steven."
Because they have big fingers!
You probably aren't thinking straight.
A gorgeous blonde was walking past him, stopped for a second with a tang of pity in her eyes. “Have you ever had a hug?” She asked. “No.” So with an “aww”, she gave him a big hug. Two minutes later, another beautiful woman was walking past the man. “Aw look at you honey. Have you ever been kissed?” “No.” He says. She leans down and gives him a passionate kiss. Another few minutes pass and another stunning lady walks past. “Oh you poor thing…Have you ever been fucked?” “No.” “Well you will be soon, the tides coming in.”
I just had a really tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine…
I have some breaking news for her.