Do the funny drive my husband to commit suicide. NSFW?
What does an angry pepper do?
It gets jalapeño face.
Why do teenage girls always walk around in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
Been chatting with this 14 year old girl. Real sexy and flirty. Things are going great, but now she tells me she’s an undercover cop.
How fucking cool is that for someone her age.
If a Tesla got stolen…
Would it then be called an Edison?
“Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!”
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. 3/5 of my tickets are bogus!
Why should you never buy a dog from a blacksmith???
Because as soon as you take the dog home it makes a bolt for the door.
A politician uses statistics like a drunk uses a street light.
For support, rather than illumination.
The inventor of the throat lozenge has died.
There will be no coffin at his funeral…
Starting a mariachi band with four of my Mexican friends.
We call ourselves Juan Direction
I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother in law
Who lives at 324 3rd st. Los Angeles. She gets off at 6
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates?
The prose outweighs the cons.
Why is the horse so happy?
Because he lives in a stable environment.
Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman but he was too scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship.
One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment. He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off. She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was squirming around, appearing as if she was having a sexual dream. Superman thought… “She’s probably dreaming about me, and you know what, I’m faster than a speeding bullet, I could fly in, fuck her and fly out, and she wouldn’t know what happened!” So he did exactly that. He flew in quickly, did her and flew away. “What the hell was that?”, Wonder Woman asked. “I don’t know, but my asshole is killing me!”, Invisible Man answered.
A tree’s first winter must be terrifying.
Imagine the releaf they feel in spring.
My dad told me that he wished me a deep hole filled with water
I know he meant well
That’s a nice ham you got there…
Be a shame if someone put an S in front of it and an E behind it.
idk where to put this but i want it to be out in the world. do what you will
idk where to put this but i want it to be out in the world. do what you will
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor?
Laughing stock
My son asked me what an updog was.
I told him it was an older version of a henway. “What’s a henway?” My son asked. “About 5 pounds” I replied.
What’s red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint
How do they make scissors at the factory?
With cutting edge technology.
I asked 100 women which kind of shampoo they used.
The number one answer was, "How the hell did you get in here?"
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone.
And then it dawned on me.
Thanos has a favorite social media
Snapchat
Me: Hi! Do you take walk-ins?
Cremator: What