dO yOu EvEn LeViOsA
I just spotted an albino dalmatian…
It was the least I could do!
I was using my drill at work when all of a sudden it heated up so much, it caught fire!
So I called up Dewalt and they said: “not to worry! It’s just a fire drill.” REDDIT! IM GOING TO BE A DAD!!! 😀
Did you know Tampax gives away slightly defective tampons for free?
No strings attached.
Well today is my first cake day.
And that means my Reddit account is older than most anti-vax kids will ever be.
When my wife and I got married, I was completely broke. But she stood by me.
She had to. We only had one chair.
Who Wants to Learn Roman Numerals??
Well, I for one..
People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks
We really need to raise the bar.
I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said “Have a good day, son”
"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad." He scratched his head. "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
Three sisters get married, each to another man
The men's now mother in-law decides to test all of them. She decides to take each of them on a walk separately. The mother in-law takes the first guy on a walk. She "accidentally" falls into a deep pond. The man doesn't hesitate, he jumps in and saves her. The next day, the man gets a phone notification that he received 500 dollars with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your mother in-law, Sarah She then tests the second guy and again, "accidentally" falls into the same pond. He doesn't hesitate either, and jumps in to save her. The next day, he too gets a notification on his phone that he received 500 dollars, also with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your mother in-law, Sarah She then tests the third guy and again "accidentally" falls into the pond. The guy looks around if anyone can see, decides that no one is watching, and walks away. The next day, he gets a phone notification that he received 500 dollars aswell with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your father in-law, James"
You’re so ugly that I’m going to have to stop drinking
just in case I start seeing two of you…
What’s the worst part of locking your keys in the car outside planned parenthood?
Having to go back in and ask for a hanger.
How come the stadium got hot after the game?
Because all of the fans left.
A math teacher was arrested today
In his home was a protractor, a calculator, and ruler. He was arrested for carrying weapons of math instruction.
A blind man enters a ladies bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke sir, you should know five things…. 1 – The bartender is a blonde girl. 2 – The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3 – I'm a 6 feet tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4 – The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter. 5 – The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously Mister, do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says, "Nah…. not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
My fish just ate another one of my fishes but it’s just hanging out of his mouth
https://ift.tt/2G2jC26
Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident
When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they’re all priests and immediately says "If any of you are paedophile, there’s no point waiting here. Just fuck off straight to hell!" Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!"
What’s brown and not very heavy ?
Light brown
What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
The water. Butane is lighter fluid.
Just happened. My kids are running around blowing a party noise marker. My wife’s sister says ” it sounds like an elephant in there”
I look up, straight faced, and calmly reply, "yeah, we don't talk about that.." My wife buried her face for a good minute.. I'm proud of that one.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza
Should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature
My wife said she was leaving me because, “I can’t do anything right when it comes to housework!” Selfish woman!!
It took me hours to mop that carpet!!
This morning Chuck Norris was shot
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
What’s worse than the doctor putting his hand on your shoulder during a prostate exam?
The doctor putting two hands on your shoulders during a prostate exam.
I married my wife for her looks,
but not the ones she’s been giving me lately.
Two guys are in a bar. One had too much to drink and pukes all over himself.
“Oh no!”, the man says, “my wife’s gonna kill me if she knows I got this drunk!” His friend tells him “don’t worry it’ll be fine – just put ten dollars in your shirt pocket and tell her someone else did it and paid for it to get cleaned.” “Brilliant!”, says the man and he goes home. Wife sees him and says “ohh honey look what you’ve done! You’ve been sick everywhere! I can’t believe you got this drunk.” “Noo”, the man says, “it was someone else and look, to prove it there’s ten dollars in my shirt pocket from the guy who did it to go get it cleaned.” “But there’s twenty dollars in here…” she points out “I know,” he says, “he also shit in my pants.”
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him. The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!” The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”
