Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
What’s Neil Armstrong’s name backwards?
Gnorts Mr Alien š½ (Illuminati theme song playin')
What do you get if you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
Hot, cross bunnies.
One day at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin-tight miniskirt.
When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldnāt get her foot high enough to reach the step. Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldnāt reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldnāt reach the step. So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, āHow dare you touch my body that way; I donāt even know you!ā Shocked, the man says, āWell, maāam, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kind of figured that we were friends.ā
A clown held open the door for me the other day.
It was a nice jester.
What’s 200 yards long and has an IQ of 40?
The queue to buy toilet paper at Walmart.
When I show people my step ladder I always tell them in a sad voice,
āI never knew my real ladder.ā
I keep having this dream about a horse in full battle armor.
Actually it's probably more of a knight mare.
Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own?
It's two-tired.
Congrats to President Daddy for Record Time Passing MEAN PEOPLE BULLY ME ON THE INTERNET ACT
https://ift.tt/36LFRWr
Three men were sitting together bragging..
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties The first man had married an Indian girl, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done. The second man had married a Chinese girl. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married an Italian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.
A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.
When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter. She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station. Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?" The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate. The Buddhist Monk replies, "my dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."
What is Russia’s most popular video streaming service?
Š½ŠµŃŠ¤Š»ŠøŠŗŃ
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Add spring water.
Holocaust survivor dies
He goes before God and starts telling him holocaust jokes. God says āMy son I donāt know what youāre doing, but this isnāt funny.ā The man saysāOh well, I guess you had to be there.ā
I don’t understand why people are celebrating pi day.
It's irrational.
Why China is arresting people for spreading misinformation?
Because spreading misinformation is government's job.
My girlfriend asked me if I’d like a threesome, and who out of her friends I would pick
Apparently I was only supposed to name one, not two
What do you call somebody with no body, And No Nose?
No-body-Nose
Murphy calls to see his mate, Paddy, who is bedridden with a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunningly beautiful 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello there girls, your dad sent me up here to fuck ya both." "Fuck off you liar!" "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fucking one?"
I yelled ācow!ā at a woman on a bike and she gave me the finger.
Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow.
What lies on its back 100 ft in the air?
A centipede
An owl babysat my son so I could go to the hoedown.
It was a hootin' nanny.
I accidentally drank some food colouring yesterday…
I'm alright, but I think I dyed a little inside.
“Is that your dog?”
No,actually it is adopted. My wife and I were unable to conceive a dog naturally.
I just won an award for most secretive person in the office
I can't tell you how much it means to me
How did Pinocchio find out he was a wooden boy?
His hand caught fire
One night, a viking named Rudolf the Red was looking out the window when he said, “it’s going to rain”
His wife asked, "how do you know?ā "Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear"
We’ll we’ll we’ll…
if it isn't autocorrect?
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up…
Theyād be alloys!
Magician: āFor this trick Iām gonna dissapearā
Magician: Looking at pear āYouāre ugly!ā
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English
Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English in three weeks. After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more English by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to football practice and my daughter to dance class. I've recently started going to the pub and drink pints of Carling and every Friday I have fish&chips. My favourite football team is Manchester United. Beat that!" The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country, you fucking paki cunt."
Why do cow milking stools only have three legs?
Because the cow has the udder.
I should apologize to my toilet…
I gave it a lot of shit this morning (Long time stalker, heres my first dad joke!)
A mother is cooking dinner when she hears her son come back from school…
"How was you English test today?" She asked "It was easy except I had trouble on this one difficult question" "What did it ask?" The mother replied "It asked for the past tense of think" "What did you answer it as?" The mother says. "I couldn't really figure it out. I thought and thought and thought and thought, and I finally wrote thunk"
Justice is a dish best served cold
If it were served warm it would be justwater