Do you know how I learned 8 x 8 = 64 ?
I ate, I ate and got sick on the floor.
Someone: “If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 14 day quarantine you probably should’ve been seeing a doctor long before COVID-19”
My response: "144? That's a gross"
Save time π°οΈ . Save moneyπ° . Save π¦ . Go green π²
Save time π°οΈ . Save moneyπ° . Save π¦ . Go green π²
I recently opened a restaurant.
I guess you could call me an EntrΓ©e-preneur
Iβm a huge Star Wars fan and my wife wanted a divorce
So I handed her the divorce papers and said βmay div orce be with youβ
[NSFW] I was eating my girlfriend out when
she fell onto the floor. She popped right back up on the bed and yelled, "FIVE SECOND RULE!"
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes
it's all about raisin awareness
My dad sent this to me this morning. He sends shit like this all the time unironically
https://ift.tt/2Xk88k7
I made this fake boomer comic to mock people/boomers looking down on digital art
https://ift.tt/2JrUKmh
I bought some bug spray.
Every time I pull the trigger grasshoppers fly out.
I donβt advertise my lip reading business…
Itβs all word of mouth…
A man went to the funeral of his dear friend and asked the wife of the deceased to ask if he could say a word, to which she said: Yes. He said “Plethora”
She said "thank you, that means a lot"
Why did the cannibal love Abraham Lincoln?
Because of the greatest speech ever written, "Four score and seven ears ago…"
A blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going around and decided to dye her hair brown.
She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road. "Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?" The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. Out of the blue, she blurts out "352!" He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She picks out the cutest one. He looks at her and says "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"
One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.
Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe." Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."
Wife and I got a flat tire driving back from the farmerβs market
I should have bought asparagus
How do you milk a sheep?
Put an apple logo on your product.
Everyone knows it’s not socialism if you’re subsidizing people who own for a living.
https://ift.tt/2WfSFRV
I called the tinnitus hotline
It didn't stop ringing
The impeachment of Trump will be a stain on his legacy
Whereas the impeachment of Clinton was the legacy of his stain.
A cowboy appears before St. Peter.
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you" Saint Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?" "Couple of minutes ago."
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in fifty-million has a chance at becoming a human being.
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?
They don't, they arrest the bulb for being broke and beat the room for being black.
If I dont perfect human cloning..
I won't be able to live with myself.
My son just threw a milk carton at me
How dairy
Electrons have mass?!
I didnβt even know they were catholic!
I tripped over my wife’s bra….
…It seemed to be a booby trap.
A sheepdog was working with a farmer to get the sheep into the pen.
When he was finished, he said to the farmer, "That's all fifty sheep!" Confused, the farmer said, "But I only have forty-eight sheep." The sheepdog replied, "I know. I rounded them up!" courtesy of my desktop dog calendar I got last xmas
Did you know Tampax gives away slightly defective tampons for free?
No strings attached.
Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish…
The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?" Saint Peter said, "Your wish is granted!" POOF She disappeared and returned to Earth to fulfill her fantasy. The second nun agreed and said, "I'd like the same, but may I return with the face and body of Jessica Alba?" Saint Peter said again, "Your wish is granted!" POOF Away she went! The third nun, an Italian girl, nodded her head in agreement, "I too would like the same, but may I return with the face and body of Alice Gan Pipalini?" With a confused look, Saint Peter replied, "I'm sorry Sister, but I do not know of her? Is she a famous starlet?" The Sister squealed with excitement,"Oh my, yes, yes she is! She's the most famous one of them all! Why, look at this article I've been saving for years!" And with that, she reached into her pocket and pulled out an old, yellow, folded up newspaper article, which she handed to him with shaking hands. Saint Peter slowly unfolded the paper and read the headline aloud,"Alaskan Pipeline laid by 500 men in one week."