Do you know how I learned 8 x 8 = 64 ?
I ate, I ate and got sick on the floor.
I wanna give a shout out to my fingers…
…I can always count on them!
How did harry potter get down the hill?
he came running jk rowling
Why didn’t the Asian guy get a high five?
Because Logan Paul left him hanging
I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body
Now I know not to keep the superglue and the lube in the same drawer.
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.
He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her. The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.” So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place. He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?” “No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”
“What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?”
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time…" A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit…"
This panda is hurt!
Quick! Someone call the bamboolance.
My wife: Honey, do you think our kids are spoiled?
Me: No, I think most of them smell that way.
What is Hitler’s favorite Videogame ?
Mein Kraft
I always knock on the front door of my fridge …
Just in case there is a salad dressing . This was horrible lol
A married man left work early on Friday and went out for a few drinks with the boys. Instead of going home, however, he ended up partying with them all weekend and spent his entire pay check.
When he finally returned home on Sunday, his wife was furious and berated him excessively. After a couple of hours of nagging and scolding, she asked him "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?" "That would suit me just fine!!" the man said. Well…Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday went by with the same result. Wednesday came and went and the man still hadn't seen his wife. Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.
My wife said she wants to go out to eat after the quarantine is over
I am thinking no way is a month long enough for her to make up her mind where to eat.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes…
And then she gave me a huge hug.
To the guy who stole my antidepressants…
I hope you're happy now
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are standing, watching a street performer do some juggling.
The performer notices they have a rather poor view, so stands on a large box, asking 'Can you see me better now?' They reply: 'Yes' 'Oui' 'Si' 'Ja'
What did the farmer say to the cows at night? 🐄
It’s pasture bedtime.
Why do the riot police always arrive early to protests?
Because they like to beat the crowd.
My dad always said I loved alphabet soup growing up.
But really it was just him putting words in my mouth.
My sewing instructor just told me that I’m the worst student she has ever seen.
Shit. Wrong thread.
What do Green Eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common?
They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.
My parents said that if I got a tattoo I’d have to get it in a place that didn’t matter…
So I got it in Appleton, Wisconsin.
Kidnapper : [On phone] we have your son.
Kidnapper : [On phone] we have your son. Wife : Actually, I'm holding my son. Kidnapper : [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&Js?! Wife : oh god. Kidnapper : what? Wife : you have my husband.
Why did 7 eat 9 ?
it’s recommended to eat 3 squared meals a day
69 fought 70
71
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!”
What a weird way to start a conversation
I was accused of being a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
My doctor advised me to eat cleaner.
So now I shower before every meal.
Why does a duck have tail feathers?
To cover it’s butt-quack.
Time for conservatives to utilize their right to bear arms and liberate some prisoners
https://ift.tt/2r3gqiI
I saw a guy flagging down a taxi van today.
I guess you could say he was Van Halen.
The museum guide
Visitor: "How old is that Tyrannosaurus skeleton?" Guide: "70,000,006 years." Visitor: "Wow. How can you be so precise?" Guide: "They told me it was 70,000,000 years old when I started working here."
We’ll we’ll we’ll
If it isn't autocorrect
