Do you know how many women have been pope?
Nun
Windmills are not all that popular.
Despite having a huge fan base.
Told the guy in the computer shop that I wanted a hard drive.
He said I should try when it's icy on the roads.
I’m developing a game which simulates your parents using the internet.
It's called the Elder Scrolls Online.
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain… do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!" His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"
My friend looked at me and said, “That’s a nice-ass shirt you are wearing!”
I said, “Thanks, but I think we call them pants, not an ass shirt.”
I told my tailor that I would be choosing and putting on my own clothes for my upcoming wedding
He said "suit yourself."
2 is a prime number against all odds.
No text found
To the person who stole my lamp, my coffee and my parrot:
I dont know how you sleep at night
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up
A Sheep, Drum, and Snake fall off a cliff.
Ba Dum Tss
There’s alot of panic regarding the E.Coli outbreak in North America.
But I think people should romaine calm.
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you're prepared for the reaper cushions.
Why will Congress never impeach Trump?
Because Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
Why wouldn’t the hipster swim in the river?
It was too main stream
How does a cucumber become a pickle?
It goes through a jarring experience.
What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
Their middle name
If you see somebody robbing an Apple store,
does that make you an iWitness?
My teacher told me I would never be any good at Poetry because of my dyslexia….
But so far I've made 3 vases and a jug.
What do you call a tired skeleton?
The Grim Sleeper
I watched my first porno film last week….
I looked so much younger then.
Golfing with a hitman
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them. "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up". Sure, they said, you’re welcome. So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" I’m a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!” was the response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools." That's a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here". So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. "This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom". "Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her……He's naked, too!!! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man. “How much do you charge for a hit?" "I'll do a flat rate, for you: One thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" “Sure, what do you want?” "First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's supposed to be a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson." The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. “Are you gonna do it or not?" asked the friend impatiently. "Just be patient," said the hit man calmly . . . . . "I think I can save ya a grand here."
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sx, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana
Why is it hard to wake up in Athens?
Dawn is tough on Greece.
I knew this butcher who accidentally backed into his meat grinder
He got a little behind in his work
Birthdays are good for your health
Studies have proven that people who have more of them live longer.
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes
It’s all about raisin awareness
I asked SIRI why I was still single.
She turned on the front camera.
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ….the worst case scenario.
Is it true ? I think it’s the temp of the surface of the sun ? What do you think?
https://ift.tt/2LuHVby
My wife and I argued about the roof of a building.
I hope it doesn't terrace apart.
I never wanted to believe, that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home,
All the signs were there.
