Do you know how to catch a bear?
Well, first you have to dig a deep hole in the woods and fill it half-full of ashes from the fireplace. Then place peas all around the outside of the hole. Finally, you hide in some nearby bushes and wait for a bear to come by.
When a bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.
As told to me by my Dad at dinner, every single time peas were served.
Miss you, Dad.
posted by my grandmother on facebook today
What do you call a sunburnt Irishman?
A baked potato.
A married man left work early on Friday and went out for a few drinks with the boys. Instead of going home, however, he ended up partying with them all weekend and spent his entire pay check.
When he finally returned home on Sunday, his wife was furious and berated him excessively. After a couple of hours of nagging and scolding, she asked him "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?" "That would suit me just fine!!" the man said. Well…Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday went by with the same result. Wednesday came and went and the man still hadn't seen his wife. Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.
A really nice lovesong
You know, I’m something of a scientist myself
People say Facebook knows more about us than we do
Facebook still thinks I have friends.
When you die which body part does last?
Your pupils, they Dilate
You could say this about me as well….
Justice is best served cold.
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Holy shit that’s boomer as fuck
Thanos’ finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.
Apparently only DC movies can do that.
The store near me is having a sale on batteries.
If you buy two packs, they'll throw in a pack of dead ones, free of charge.
Do you care now?
My wife wanted to get into “role play” to spice things up in the bedroom
I asked what she had in mind. "Let's play doctor", she said. I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me. After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.
Is infinity odd or even?
Oddly enough, it's even. But even so, it's still an odd concept.
What’s the best thing to put on a hot dog?
Water, to cool him down.
What disinfectant do geologists use?
I am guessing a DNA test will take place at some point
them damn commies can’t watch now
What animal can jump higher than a mountain?
All of them, mountains can't jump.
Just walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.
Well, that was a trip down memory lane.
I got gas today for $1.39.
Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.
Anytime I tell a terrible joke to my kids, I walk away from them and yell it from across the room.
If they groan, I say, “I think I took this joke too far.”
Whats my address
How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Why does it have to be a group activity
A French nobleman’s estate was destroyed during the French Revolution.
The results were château-strophic.
Not totally a bad look for him…
A man tells his friend, “I know a guy who has a small dick and sounds like an owl.”
His friend asks, "Who?"
It happens sometimes.
Truth, as someone who lives in the middle
Trump’s Obama Derangement Syndrome…
I want my data fast!
When a project has 1 designer and 1 engineer.
Four people killed after pursuit of UPS truck
Effective testing begins with the customer
Mom asked me why I deposited a pair of shoes into my bank account.
Me: "Well, you said my account should have a new balance. ;)"
Cries in broke
Why did the can-crusher man quit his job?
because it was soda-pressing
AI becomes too real
Guy walks into a bar
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."
Whats the difference between Me and a Calendar ?
a Calendar has dates.
Thank you corona, very cool
This is the official white house Halloween corn maze
Binary is not so complicated after all
To the jerk who stole my anti-depressants today.
I hope you're happy.
I’ve been so bored recently, I decided to take up fencing…
My neighbors said they’ll call the police if I don’t put it back…
To the man who invented 0
Thanks for nothing
My old coworker keeps sending me this shit.
Wife bad. Wife die. Funny.
A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island…
They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was… At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him… after all, there wasnt anybody else in the island… He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier… it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this… One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her succesfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they where for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life. But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed… "Whats wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing…" the guy would say… She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasnt asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him… "Really?, youll do anything id like?" "yes" she said "anything!" "ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore" "ok…" "now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat" "wha… ok, id say id do anything" she said lovingly. "ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it" she was kinda confused, but non the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tuck her hair under the hat. "Now id like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache" "ok… if this is what you want…" she muttered. "now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach ill catch up to you in a bit" he said a bit excited… She started walking… wondering… doubting herself… just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasnt her, maybe it was h… suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says: "DUDE!!! you wont believe who ive been fucking for the past 6 months!"
Feelings don’t care about your facts
An old man was sitting next to a kid
And he saw the kid eating a lot of chocolate, pack after pack… So the man asked the kid: do you think it's healthy for you eating all that chocolate? So the kid answered: My grandpa died at 100 years old -And you think it's because he ate chocolate? -No, it's because he minded his own business.
“Horses are superior” – 1920’s boomers
A man returns home early from work one afternoon to find his wife spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.
“What are you doing?” the man inquires. “Err,” she stammers back. “I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!” “Oh,” cries the gullible husband, “quick, I’ll call an ambulance!” He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny appears, sobbing his little heart out. “What’s the matter, son?” asks the father. “Uncle James is in the closet with no clothes on, Daddy,” replies his tearful toddler. Enraged, the man runs back upstairs, flings open the wardrobe and finds his brother there absolutely naked, just as his son had said. “You bastard, Jim,” screams the man. “My wife is over there having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring Johnny!”
my grandpa send this to me HELP
Did you know the titanic was the biggest whore in all the seven seas?
Everyone went down on her