Do you know the antonyms of the following words?
Because they are stationery I am not sorry I will be glad if i make at least a few people smile
After years of hard work in the gym as a personal trainer I finally admitted I wasn’t strong enough and quit.
I just handed in my too weak notice.
It was super easy. I went door to door and If the customer wasn't home, I'd just leave my brochure and business card on their dining room table.
It means a lot to them
You get kicked out of the petting zoo.
She turned on the front camera
It smells like Teen Spirit.
Mom: Guess who I saw today! Me: who? Mom: Everyone I looked at!
Its very time consuming.
It refuses to focus.
His blood tested positive for Coke.
"Alright, make sure to bring it back"
The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance.
It’s still fowl language
I can’t tell you how much this award means to me.
That was a pain in the ass.
A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom. He'd only have sex with the lights off. The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good. However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light. She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand. There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated "You have some explaining to do." The husband looked her dead in the eye and said "I'll explain this when you explain the kids".
"Usually an overdose, son," I told him.
With a sour patch. I'll see myself out now.
Can February March? No, but April May.
"A man who lays with another man should be stoned." [Leviticus 20:13 esv]
WHERE’S MY OTHER FUCKING HAND?
The one whose sack reads "Idaho"
batman: check the battery robin: whats a tery?
Otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks.
It’s ok though. Wasn’t my relationship.
Now it's a Ford Focus
Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too…
Because they lactose.
A man is sitting at a bar, staring at his drink, not moving. After about 20 minutes of this another man notices and walks over and grabs the drink from the man and gulps it down. He sets the glass down and looks at the man he just stole from, waiting for a reaction. The man who had his drink stolen slowly turns to the man who took his drink and says, "I've had a really bad day. My alarm clock didn't go off this morning so I was late to work, which got me fired. When I went to drive home I found my car had been stolen. In the cab I took to get home my wallet fell out and I lost it. When I get home I find my wife in bed with the neighbor. And now, when I finally get the courage to kill myself, somebody drinks my poison. "
A yes horse.
Sting in bed the other night, I asked my wife, “Honey, if I died, would you let your next husband have my recliner”?
She replies, “Well it would be a waste not to, he may find it comfortable”. Then I ask, “What about my boat”? And she says, “I just don’t think you will be needing your boat after your gone. We may retire and do a lot of fishing”. So I did some thinking and asked, “How about my truck, surely you’ll sell it because all of the memories of us riding in it together will be too much for you to bear and too awkward with your next husband”. She replies, “You know, it is paid for with low miles, I’ll probably hang on to it”. Then, getting kinda nervous, I said, “Well SURELY you wont let him have my golf clubs”? To which my wife responds, “Oh no honey, don’t worry about that, he’s left handed”.
One turns to the other and says “Man, I can’t believe I blew thirty bucks in there”.
"Are you still holding the ladder?"
I thought it was a nice jester