Do you know what Bruce Lee’s vegetarian brother is called?
Brocco Lee
I'll see myself out.
My dad used to change wheels on cars.
Now he's retired.
A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.
The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you." The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five". The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?" "No" says the boy, "But he minded his own fucking business."
My son said he wanted to become a pyromancer.
I told him it's much easier to woo a cake.
Friend told me to stop filing taxes and go watch anime with him
but this isn't even my final form.
What did the Nazi dentist say on reddit?
Thanks for the gold kind stranger! Edit:Thanks for the gold kind stranger!
Knock knock…
Who’s there? Dwayne. Dwayne who? Dwayne the bathtub, I’m dwowning.
Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
My wife only eats one type of yogurt and refuses to try any other brand.
She discriminates against other cultures.
I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal
Elongate would be really drawn out.
I buy a TV every year with different amount of pixels
It's my new year's resolution
Genie: you have three wishes
me: make math go away Genie: ok, that one's on the house me: yay, so I still get three wishes? Genie: huh?
What do you call a rude cactus?
A prick I’m deeply sorry
The secret service aren’t allowed to yell “GET DOWN” anymore if the president is about to be attacked.
Instead they say, “DONALD, Duck!”
Juggling seems fun
But I just don’t have the balls to do it
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open.
What do you use to draw baths
Water colors
I told my wife I had the body of a young muscled and sexy man, she laughed real hard and me fun of me
Until she looked in the closet
I occasionally enjoy leaning on things.
When I'm so inclined.
Why can’t Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
“What do you wish to do in the future?” asks the teacher.
Pete: "I want to be a pilot" Tommy: "I want to be a doctor" Margaret: "I want to be a good mother" Frank: "I want to help Margaret"
I have no problem getting dates online.
I also have great luck with pistachios, cashews and almonds.
A guy gets horny during his first week on a pirate ship…
So he goes up to the captain and asks "What do you guys use when you get horny?" The captain says: "There's a barrel over there with a hole in it; we use that". Guy: "Great when can I use it?" Captain: "You can use it any day of the week, except Tuesday". Guy: "Why not Tuesday?" The captain grinned and said: "Cause that's your day in the barrel."
Me: I’m terrified of random letters.
Therapist: you are? Me: [Screams] Therapist: I see
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age…
How do you tell the sex of an ant?
Put it in water If it sinks girl ant If it floats boyant
Time flies like an arrow, and fruit flies like a banana
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I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
I’m not going to spread it!
Scientists got bored of watching the earth turn so after 24 hours
they called it a day
My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her…
I said, “Nah, it’s probably womb temperature.”
I tell dad jokes
Sometimes he laughs
A pretty girl kissed me today
I wish I could post this in another subreddit.
What do you call an Emo A capella group?
Self Harmony