Do you know what I said to the person who was chasing me?
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
An ant eater anteater. What would you call someone against the previously mentioned anteater? An anti ant eater anteater. What would you call someone who eats the previous person? An anti ant eater anteater eater. What if that person is your parents sister? Auntie anti ant eater anteater eater. And if a play is made about all of this? Auntie anti ant eater anteater eater theater. And finally, who is the director of this play? The Auntie anti ant eater anteater eater theater leader.
You can hide, but you cant run
He had a vowel movement.
24 years in to their marriage unfortunately
There were three POWs together in a British prison in the Second World War, a German, a Japanese, and an Italian.
The British began by torturing the German. After long hours of silence infected by bloodcurdling screams, he talked, and was sent back to the prison, ashamed. He told the others what he had done and urged them to be stronger than he was. They next began torturing the Japanese man. Through all the pain and agony, he stayed strong for three days, but in the end, talked. He was sent back to the prison, having brought shame to himself, his family, and his country. They finally sent in the Italian. For an unending three weeks, they tortured him, until they realized if they did anything else to the poor man, he would die, so they sent him back. When he got back to the prison cell bloody and battered, the other POWs asked him, "So? Did you talk?" "How could I talk with my hands tied behind my back?"
Unless you're prepared for the reaper cushions.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
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Now he's just Dave.
Because he had no body to go with.
Because everyone gets it
I am getting ready to open an Asian/Mexican fusion resturant…I am calling it Juan-Ton
A robber enters a bank, he pulls out a gun, and he shouts: “Everyone on the ground. This is a robbery!”. Immediately, everyone in the bank drops down with their hands on their heads except for one man reading a newspaper.
The man lowers his newspaper and begins to stare at the robber with an amused look on his face. It makes the robber angry, so he walks towards the man, puts the gun to his face, and asks him: "what so funny, ha? You want to get shot?". The man's amused look turns into a smile as he answers the robber back: "You are joking right?". The robber, bursting with anger, places the gun one inch away from the man's face and says: "Say that again. I dare you". The man, who was previously completely relaxed, is now getting a bit worried. He lowers his newspaper further and says: "No, really. You are not serious, are you?". The robber sticks the gun into the man's forehead and threatens with a more serious tone: "One more word and I swear I am pulling the trigger". The man, no longer showing the slightest hint of amusement, says: "Look, there is a first time to everything, but this is unbelievable. Do you really have any idea of what you are doing?". "that is it!" the robber snaps. "I have a gun, you are unarmed, everybody else is scared to death, and there are zero guards in here! Don't you understand the situation? I completely got this under control!". At this point, the man puts down his newspaper with an honest, concerned look on his face. He looks the robber in the eye and says: "Dude, this is a blood bank".
One of the bags had a small tear, and 20$ bills kept on falling from the bag. A policeman saw this and he stopped her. Policeman: Madam, you are dropping 20$ bills Old lady: Oh thank you so much, sir. ( Starts picking up the bills ) Policeman: Btw, where did you get all of this money? Did you steal? Old lady: Well, it's a long story. You see, what happened was, my house is next to a golf course. There is a hole on my fence. People keep coming and they pee in my garden from the hole. One day, I thought why not take this opportunity to make some money? So when they start pissing, I grab their penis and tell them to give 20$ bills or I will chop it off! This is how I earned these 20$ bills, officer. Policeman: Good to know. By the way, what's in the other bag? Old lady: Well not all of them pay.
The plot thickens
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
You can hide but you can't run.
The genie asked, “What’s your first wish?” Steve replied, “I wish I was rich!” The genie nodded and said, “What’s your second wish?”
Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"
Happy Mother's Day!
Now I call him Dav.
I told my contractor I didn't want carpet on the steps. He gave me a blank stair.
A receding hair line.
were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to appeal their sentences down to 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "As it is my first wife's birthday today, she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The German was first in line; after thinking for a bit he said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but after only 10 lashes the whip had shredded the pillow. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying in pain. The Englishman was next up. After watching the German in horror he asked, "Please tie two pillows to my back." This time it took 15 lashes, but once again the pillows were shredded, and the Englishman was led away bleeding and whimpering in pain. The Irishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from the most beautiful part of the world I have ever seen. Because of this, you may have two wishes!" "Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the Irishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honorable man from a beautiful island, you are also very brave," the Sheikh said with admiration. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish?" And the Irishman said, "Tie the Englishman to my back."
"BIG JAKE'S COMIN'!" he cries. "EVERYBODY RUN! BIG JAKE'S COMIN'!" The bartender, having never heard that name before, is a little perplexed – even more so when all of his patrons start screaming and running out the door. In just a few moments, the bar is emptied out. A minute afterwards, the bartender sees a massive hulk of a man punch down the door and walk inside. Seven feet tall, with biceps like steel girders and piercings as thick as railroad spikes. He walks up to the bartender, making the entire room rumble with every footstep. "Gimme some whiskey!" roars the giant. The bartender, scared out of his mind, hands him an entire bottle. He drinks it all in one swig, and then smashes the bottle over his own head. "Can I… can I get you another?" asks the bartender. The giant just shakes his head and says, "Naw, I can't stay for too long. Didn't you hear? Big Jake's comin'!"
Because everyone is Taipei.
The certificate paid for a visit to a herbalist living nearby, who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After some discussion with his wife, the man made a visit to the herbalist and handed his voucher over wondering what he was in for. The elderly herbalist handed a potion to the man, and with a grip on his shoulder warned him. "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want." Greatly encouraged, the man turned and started to walk away, then stopped and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" The herbalist replied, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." Eager to see if it worked the man went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.