Do you know what is a fun guy thing?
As a responsible employer, All my staff are in a 2 week quarantine.
Productivity is through the roof since nobody can leave the office.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body.
He'll be born in April
My girlfriends favourite position is 6.9
Personally, I prefer it without the period.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station The other is a busty crustacean
Kermit The Frog and Henry The Eighth…
…have the same middle name
Which is Coronavirus’ favorite novel?
Around the world in eighty days.
I found someone else’s ID on the floor last week.
Oh well, new year, new me!
I just finished a documentary on beavers
Best dam movie I've ever seen.
The Doctor asks the patient: “Does your head hurt?”
Patient: "Yes it does, doctor." Doctor: "Good, now are we vaccinating your child, or do I have to slap you again?"
My wife thinks I won’t advance in my career because I procrastinate too much.
I told her, “Just you wait.”
HELP MY HATS ARE STUCK
MY CAPS LOCKED
I named my dick sgt. Hartman.
Cause it's good at drilling privates.
Today I saw an ad that said: “radio for sale, 1$, volume stuck on full.”
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
What do you call Batman skipping church?
Christian Bale
My wife divorced me so I took her wheelchair…
Guess who came crawling back?
Sample guy at grocery store: You can take one if you want to.
Me: Can I take two if I want three?
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, “Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one.”
The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband and my life. I just want to go home." Poof! The brunette gets her wish, and she is returned to her family. The redhead says, "I've also been stuck here for years, and I wish I could go home, too." Poof! The redhead gets her wish, and she is returned to her family. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?" The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."
There will be a baby boom in 9 months and
In 2033, we will witness the rise of "Quaranteens"
Never iron a four leaf clover…
You don't want to press your luck…
So, my twin brother just called me from prison.
He said, "So you know how we tend to finish each others' sentences?"
Internet Memes and Mental Health – A Study [16+]
This is a study looking into the effect of internet memes on the individual. Participants will be asked to answer a series of questionnaires. This should take no longer than 30 minutes. Further information can be found in the information sheet. https://chester.onlinesurveys.ac.uk/memes4dalolz
Teenage boy: “Dad, what’s a vagina look like?”
Father: "Well son, before sex it's a delicate little thing. Almost like a tulip that hasn't fully bloomed". Boy: "What about after sex?" Father: "You ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
What did the redditor say when he won the olympics?
Edit: Thanks for the gold!
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.
“No, go right ahead.” the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says “plethora”, and sits back down. “Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot.”
In Cuba, a steak pie will cost you 1.50. But a pork pie will cost 1.80, whereas a macaroni pie will cost 2.30 and a chicken pie will cost 2.75.
These are pie-rates of the Caribbean.
My landlord wants to talk to me about my high heating bills every month.
I said, “Sure. My door is always open.”
Wife was cleaning 12 year old son’s bedroom
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2.00. In the Bahamas it costs $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
